Monday, September 27, 2010

Ana's University* Survival Guide

*Or college for you Americans.

I've been at University for four years now, and I've learned a few things. I think it is only fair that I pass on my wisdom to you who may be less knowledgeable in the ways of higher education. Below, I have compiled a list of some must-know hints and tips. You're welcome.

1. A lecture is a great time to take care of all your facebooking and twitter needs.

2. To avoid a student traffic jam at the end of class, make sure you start packing up at least 5 minutes early. If you have another class to get to after, it is best to err on the side of caution and make it 10 minutes.

3. To save time on studying, ask whether anything you learned is going to be on the final. You never know when a prof is just teaching for his own personal amusement or when he assigns a reading just for sh*ts and giggles. Make sure you ask this about every single piece of material.

4. If you miss a class, the only proper way to formulate a question about what you missed is "Did I miss anything (important)?"

5. Reading the syllabus is for pussies.

6. Make sure you are polite in your emails and include a greeting.

Wrong way to email:

im going on this super important vacation with my parents at end of summer is it ok if I miss the first 9 weeks of class?

Right way to email:

yo sup,

im going on this super important vacation with my parents at end of summer is it ok if I miss the first 9 weeks of class?

(Note: Proper grammar and spelling will only make you look pretentious.)

7. Little known fact: Staring at the clock during lectures will make the time go by  faster.

8. Make it a habit to skip at least a few classes every semester so people know you have a life outside of school. This will make you look important.

9. Any non-academic compliment given by a professor to a student, no matter how harmless it may seem, is a sign of harassment. Do not be fooled; report to the proper authorities post-haste.

10. Plagiarism is not only an effective, but also a fun way to get things done.

11. Grades, and this is perhaps the most important point to remember, are negotiable. I wrote a poem for all your negotiating needs (with thanks to Carpet Monkey for inspiring the format):

I see I got…. caught cheating / a fail / an unfair grade
I thought…. it was ok / I would pass / I had it made
I need to…. get into law / impress parents / graduate
I think you’re…. understanding / out to get me / super great
So won’t you…. look past it / help me / round up
I’ll give you…. cookies / a good eval / a coffee cup
I will be…. gratefully / happy / stopping the threats
I don’t want to…. fail / spill tears / give you regrets
I’d hate to…. retake it / argue / talk to the dean
Don’t make me…. cry / blackmail / tell him you’re mean
Please know I…. didn’t mean it / am sorry / only get A’s
I always…. mean well / get revenge / get praise
So just…. pass me / look the other way / acquit
Because I…. tried hard / studied / paid for it
I want us to…. be friends / hook up / part well
But if I must I’ll…. fight you / beg / raise hell


Anonymous said...

You ought to post this on College Misery. What gets me about students who seem to think all of this is true is that it equips them with very dull minds, which of course gives them very dull careers and lives, about which they complain for the rest of their lives that they'd give anything to be back in college, even though they spent the 4+ years doing everything to avoid what they were supposed to be doing.

Anastasia said...

I would, but I don't have posting rights and seeing as how I am only a student I don't feel right asking for them. Of course, if someone wanted to post this on there for me I wouldn't mind.

I, too, know these students. I like to think there is a special place in hell for those who do #2 every. single. bloody. class.