Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Short Short-Story 2: Confessions of a Crazy Cat Lady


Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow.

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

Inspiring. Very few people in this world have mastered the ancient art of cat herding.

Anonymous said...

Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!


A. Dogman.

Anonymous said...

what did they say after that?

Anonymous said...

They didn't say anything. They just watched a camel and a leopard *get it on* in the Crazy Cat Lady's basement...

Anonymous said...

They were all enjoying the show in the basement when this happened:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iq5kNcDmfo4

Birdcat said...

This seems like an exceptional idea.

Anonymous said...

Birdcat, it's not an idea, it *actually happened*. You can't make shit like that up.

Anonymous said...

It wasn't the first time the Crazy Cat Lady had attempted to mate a camel with a leopard. Her greatest challenge was to tame the big cat, make it ready for love. Indeed, three camels had died already on previous occasions, because the pard was more interested in eating the ungulate than copulating with it. Then, one day, she had finally found the right combination of music, low lighting, and calming words to set the mood for both animals. However, aliens just had to come in and upstage *that* attempt, by establishing first contact with an earthly species that very evening. They had chosen to bestow that honour on Picard, one of CCL's favourite cats...

Anonymous said...

The aliens crowned Picard as their leader, and were getting ready to leave. The Cat Lady was upset, but Picard assured her he would be back 400 days from now. He said he had negotiated with the aliens, and made clear that his leaving was conditional to them bringing him back in that number of days. With tears welling up in her eyes, she took him in her arms one last time before the tractor beam would take the tabby to the aliens' mother ship. She hugged him, saying, "This is why I love you so much, Picard. You know that's when Camelia IV is due to have her baby! Data, Obiwan, Loki, and Leah wouldn't have thought of that. None of the others would have either, for that matter. I love them too, but you're just... You're the most caring cat there is... You'll be a great ambassador for Earth. I love you so much!!" With that, the purring tabby licked the tip of the Cat Lady's nose several times with his fine sandpaper tongue, making her giggle, as the tom was torn from her arms by the alien tractor beam... "Meow meow meow meow meow..." The tears that had welled in her eyes now cascaded down her cheeks, her sobs becoming louder as the meows faded skyward away from her. His whiskers gleamed in the silvery moonlight until the invisible tractor beam lead him into the vessel, and the cargo bay doors were shut.

Anonymous said...

The Cat Lady was a disheartened by the evening's events. She went to the liquor cabinet, mixed herself a Taiwan Duck Fart, downed it. The booze helped in removing the edge- losing Picard for more than a year would be difficult for her to bear. She went down to the basement, and found Camelia IV and Don Pardo (the leopard) in post-coital glow, sharing a Marlboro, cuddling, and cooing. Soft jazz was lilting through the air, not too loud. Given the nights events, she half expected to find carnage like the previous 3 times she tried to mate Don Pardo with a camel-lady. The trainer who sold him to the CCL said he was the most even tempered big cat he had known- perfect for breeding camelopards. After the third killing- and Don Pardo not showing the least sign of remorse- she thought the trainer might have been taking her for a fool. But it was a different Don Pardo she saw tonight. He was quite the charmer- a real camel-lady's man. The Cat Lady smiled and spoke to herself, "Happy to see this new side of you tonight Mr.Pardo." Without her setting the mood (through trial and error), however, the chance of her to get a baby camelopard would never have happened. And in this moment of tenderness with his ungulate girlfriend, the big cat did seem gentle and docile, just like the trainer had told her...

Anonymous said...

A birthday without Picard. What kind of birthday is that, she thought. Everyone else was there, she put birthday hats on all the cats and fed them all Fancy Feast... But it just wasn't the same without him. She felt like he was heartless, leaving her here. She would have gone with him on the space ship if she didn't have to care for all their friends, and tend to Camilia IV during her pregnancy. She knew he wasn't heartless and cursed herself for that thought crossing her mind. As everyone at the table dug into their Fancy Feast with their party hats on, she brought a faint smile to her face. A single bittersweet tear ran down her cheek. It was a tear of joy for being surrounded by such wonderful friends, of sadness for the one missing, and of hope since she knew that no one was more qualified in saving the universe than the one the aliens had chosen. One part joy, two parts hope, and ten parts sorrow. When everyone had finished their Feast, they went to show their affection to her. They too, missed Picard, but they wanted to cheer their friend up as best they could...

Anonymous said...

It had been two months since he had left home. He knew that it was her birthday, but he had no means of reaching her. The worst thing was, that the ship hadn't even left the Earth's orbit. Not because of technical difficulties. But because of in-ship board meetings. These aliens were sticklers for procedure, and some of the debates surrounding the votes were interminable. Picard thought to himself that he could be there with the Cat Lady, his friends, Don Pardo, and Camelia IV right now, celebrating the Cat Lady's birthday. Her sure hoped that his mandate wouldn't be extended by 60 days. Sure, he had an aloof disposition, but he really didn't want to miss the camelopard's birth. His arrangement with the CCL might have been unusual, but he knew she would turn to him to be the father-figure. With this thought in mind, he entered the board room, jumped on the table, started playing with pens and sent papers flying. Then, coolly strutting towards the president of the assembly, he let a gentle mew escape his maw. The meaning of Picard's utterance was not lost on the alien. At once, the president of the assembly, also the captain of the vessel, shouted, "The meeting is adjourned! Man your battle stations!!" Content that his soft, yet direct, order was obeyed without question, Picard retired to his quarters (which consisted of a soft pillow placed in a cardboard box) as the ship left Earth's orbit, onward into deep space. An iron claw in a velvet glove. No screeching needed- sometimes, just a softly spoken mew is all that's needed to get sh*t done.

Anonymous said...

The day after her birthday, the Cat Lady felt very depressed. She was thankful for the show of affection from all her kitties, and well as Camelia IV and Don Pardo. She cursed the aliens, and then cursed herself, and then made herself a tinfoil hat so they wouldn't be able to hear her thoughts about how pissed off at them she was. Inspired by the previous day's events and how her cats all wore their birthday hats without losing them (they're all so well behaved), she made-cat sized tinfoil hats for every one in the house as well as a camel-sized one, and a leopard-sized one. "They'll never take another one of you guys away from me... And they won't even know we are here. And if they do come back, at least they won't know what we're thinking." She even made Camelia IV a tinfoil dress, shielding the baby's thoughts as well...

Anonymous said...

It had been a hundred days since Picard had left. The Cat Lady was usually up bright and early, around 7am. On the rare days she overslept, her most mischievous cat, Leopold, would sit on her face until she woke up. He had done this ever since she had gotten him as a kitten. At first she found it funny, as he was just a little furry fluff ball. But eventually, he became a pretty big furry fluff ball. Not obese, not a cat so fat he became round and unpleasant to all living things, but he was bigger than your average cat. What was cute as a kitten became slightly annoying for a grown cat. He never let her sleep in past 7:30 am. So on this morning, the hundredth day since Picard had left, the sun was shining very strongly through the Cat Lady's window, as she opened her eyes. Her alarm clock, which she never used, showed 10am. 10am! And Leopold had not come to wake her up. In a strange way, she had come to depend on Leopold to get her out of her cot... He was her fail-safe on days when she happened to sleep in. "Why didn't you come to get me out of my cot, Leopold?", she muttered to herself, her voice slightly hoarse. "Where are you, darling Leo?" As she spoke, she heard a few mews, and seven of her feline friends entered her room, and jumped on the bed, asking for, and getting her attention. Loki, Data, Iggy, Fluffy, Penelope, Falstaff, and Kirk were surrounding her, mewing, and purring at she petted them and she received affectionate headbutts from them. But no Leopold. It might be nothing, but if Leopold was around, he was acting out of character. Still in her bed, she cried out, "Leopold! Leo? Are you there?" No answer. Her friends remained on the bed with her, oblivious to her state of alarm. She felt a sense of dread. "Leopold?? Are you there you silly cat?" Silence was her only answer...

Anonymous said...

What a morning that was. After eating breakfast at 11, and not being able to find Leopold anywhere, the cat lady went to check on Camelia IV. The camel was in good spirits, and several of the cats kept her company. The Cat Lady noticed that a white, ovoid object about the size of a foot ball was lying on the blanket where she made usually slept. The ungulate had apparently laid an egg, sometime between when she went to sleep and when she came down to check on the camel! "But mammals don't lay eggs...", she muttered to herself. Could this event help explain Leopold's disappearance? And with her sleeping in late, she had not had the time to put tinfoil hats on her head or those of the animals. She knew everyone's thoughts could easily be pried upon now by any alien who just happened to whiz by in one of their flying saucers... Searching for tinfoil, in a panicked state, she failed to notice that Leopold was walking down the stairs, followed closely by Picard...

Anonymous said...

And so this pointless tale ends as it began. Not with a bang, but with a meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow. THE END