Special K, The Inane Ramblings of

Short Short-Story 2: Confessions of a Crazy Cat Lady

2011-10-18T20:10:00.002-06:00

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow.

Occupy University

2011-10-10T21:06:00.002-06:00

I was reading this article about Occupy Wallstreet (read it) and it inspired me to start my own movement.

It might be too easy to dismiss the Occupy University movement as a first-world problem.

Just because you go to class it doesn’t entitle you to a good grade, some people grumble. Why are you protesting? Why aren’t you studying? What are you doing here? Next you’ll surge onto campus to complain about the decline in the quality of ballpoint pens!

But that would be unfair.

I’ve seen some of these students before – at the rally to bring back Beer Gardens, when we poured beer into our university mugs and cheered.

Now the stakes are higher.

“I did everything I was supposed to do: went to some of the classes, skimmed through the assigned readings, handed in my homework relatively on time. 3 month later I have nothing but a C to show for it,” complains one person while checking her twitter.

“My professor said that if we work hard we can get any grade we want. Well my paper might not have been the best but I told him how hard I work and what a good person I am but I didn't get the grade I wanted. I didn't want… the B-,” writes another.

This is not our fault.

Growing up, we were told: you are unique. You are special. You are brilliant. Apparently professors are unaware of this. "You must rewrite this paper. Go the library, do some research, use correct citation."

Half an hour later, look at us. Paper still not good enough. This is not what it said on the syllabus.

Is it our fault the professors try to talk while we are texting? Is it our fault the university can't recognize our brilliance? Is it our fault our moms are not here to wash our clothes so we don't smell like nachos and too much AXE body spray?

We did what we were told to do.

Now we need someone to tell us what to do next because we can't think for ourselves.

The students of University are mostly twenty-somethings. Most of those I spoke to were in the failing range. Some had a “marginal pass.” They aren’t rebels without a cause. They’re rebels with a surplus of causes.

“Give me the grade I deserve,” reads one sign, “End the Madness.”

"Legalize marijuana," read another, who might have confused this with the rally two streets down.

If you're looking for a coherent message, you won't get it from these students. Instead of testing us on what you think we should know, a student is saying, test us on what we actually know. When I walk away from the group, one is arguing in favor of no grades, another suggesting that there should be no classes till noon. Some are just plain lost and looking for their next class.

Lucy, a self-described genius, is delighted that the protest is happening. “When I was in elementary I was totally an A+ student,” she says. “We used to get stickers as well. It’s a shame professors are so mean when they mark – it hurts my feelings, makes me feel terrible about myself."

“This whole thing is basically a big discussion, dude,” Andy, the dreadlocked skater of Liberal Arts, tells me. “It’s about getting together a bunch of people who realize that there’s a problem and trying to figure out what the solution is, man.” Easier said than done. The protesters I talk to agree on three things. They are not sure what the point is yet, but would like to find out. The system is broken. And the profs, they feel, are ignoring them.

We are angry that professors pretend they have lives or somewhere to be. Something to do other than help us at a moment's notice. This is about fixing the system, “building a university that caters to the student's needs. That gives us the grades we need to get our degrees,” another protester, Chad, tells me. Or something like that.

Pineapples, sunshine, and despair.

2011-08-10T12:13:00.000-06:00

I've sent these emails to a former prof:

Date:	Thu, 24 Mar 2011 5:12 pm
Subject:	Hello!
I am just emailing you to let you know you that if I should ever descend into madness because of too much stress from school work and get put into a mental institution and then ran away after 6 month and decide to go on a killing spree to exact my revenge on the world, I would kill you last. You're welcome.

Date:	Wed, 04 May 2011 7:28 pm
Subject:	memories
I have a lot of fond memories of being in your class. My favourite is when I would completely tune you out and think about unicorns. If unicorns existed, naturally unicorn jousting would exist as well. I think you would have made a fine unicorn jouster. People would come watch your unicorn jousting and say "that guy is a fine unicorn jouster." Of course you wouldn't be the best unicorn jouster so you would still have to keep your day job.

Date:	Sat, 21 May 2011 6:11 pm
Subject:	Cookies also make my day better
It was nice running into you yesterday. The days that I see you always become up to 0.018% better, sometimes. I remember I was really sad once and I thought “You know what would make this day up to 0.018% better, probably? Seeing him.” But I did not see you and my day did not become up to 0.018% better. Don’t worry though, I forgave you. I'd like to think that if we just met randomly we would have become quick friends, like the kind that plan to write a comic book together but never get around to it because they're lazy and procrastinate. When we would get together to congregate you would laugh at my storyline and I would laugh at your attempts of drawing and you would laugh that someone under the age of 70 uses the word "congregate".

Date:

Sun, 12 Jun 2011 4:36 pm

Subject:

brains

Sometimes when I walk on campus in the evenings when it's dark and deserted I like to
pretend we all live in a post-apocalyptic world overrun by zombies, every day a fight for
survival. I'd like to think I would be able to survive fairly well for a while.

Eventually of course I would trip and fall on my face whilst a zombie is chasing me, get
bit, and turn into a zombie myself. After I get turned into a zombie I would come find
you because I’d like to eat you. I think you would taste good, like pineapples and
sunshine and despair.

Date:	Tue, 09 Aug 2011 11:14 pm
Subject:	Carnivàle
I’m currently watching a show about a carnival and it makes me sad that the carnival doesn’t come to town anymore. I mean we have stuff like the circus and Capital Ex but it’s just not the same. There isn’t that aura of strangeness and that sense of wonder that makes you feel like a kid again. Only a carnival can do that. I think it is tragic that people can’t get their cards read and their future foretold, can’t ogle the bearded lady and watch some guy deep-throat a sword, can’t throw rocks at other people’s children who are being too loud...can’t do all of these things in one wonderful, magical place. Tragic. After I find a stable, well paying job with my Arts degree I think I’m going to save up money to revive the carnival. I'm writing you to let you know that if you should ever grow weary of the idleness of a “normal” life, you would be more than welcome to join my carnival. I am positive that you would make a splendid carnie (with a bit of training, of course)!

Date:	Wed, 10 Aug 2011 09:36 am
Subject:	I want a giraffe
Speaking of Capital EX, did you go this year? I did. I ended up with a sunburn and about $97.50 less in my pocket. Basically, ‘twas awesome. There is nothing I love more than going on a good ride. I especially enjoyed the upside down ones. Although it doesn’t really feel like you’re going upside down, it feels like the rest of the world is. It’s not you that’s spinning; it’s everything and everyone else. Funny how our perception can sometimes make it feel like the world revolves around us. The only thing that could have made that day better was giraffes. And maybe if there was less people. I don’t like people.

Date:

Wed, 10 Aug 2011 12:11 pm

Subject:

Raisins are the crocs of the food world

Someone offered me chocolate-covered raisins yesterday. Needless to say, the person and I are no longer friends. I imagine the thought process of the first person to eat a raisin was something along the lines of “Instead of eating this beautiful, delicious fruit that the angels call ‘grape’ in the natural way that God intended it to be eaten, I shall leave it out in the sun to dry up and die. Then I can feast on its carcass like some sort of wild, deranged animal.” Or maybe I am wrong, maybe it was simply “This looks like rat droppings; I think I’ll eat it.” Either way, I shall never understand the rational behind raisins. Nevertheless, I would probably eat a few raisins for you to show that we are friends. Probably.

He still hasn't asked me out, what am I doing wrong?

Vlog 6: Unprofessional and stuff.

2011-08-01T19:50:00.001-06:00

Safety Announcement

2011-06-29T17:19:00.002-06:00

Welcome to the Internet. Please keep your back in a slouched position and your brain off at all times. In the unlikely event that your computer stops working, your cell phone may be used as an emergency surfing device. In the case of a sudden drop in entertainment, memes will descend onto your networks. Spread the memes. If you are surfing with a small child or with a person in need of assistance, spread the memes on your blogs and twitter first before assisting them with theirs. Emergency exit is located on the power button on your computer. We hope you have a pleasant stay and we thank you for choosing us as the means of wasting your time.

Vlog 5: Not Stupid

2011-06-19T22:34:00.001-06:00

Well played, Google, well played.

2011-05-31T19:16:00.002-06:00

I can't find it!

Yes please!

Either they are real and Jesus used them as a means of transport, or they're fake and the CIA made them up.

They may be microwaves, but at least they're not purple.

As a giraffe fan, I find this disheartening.

"Damn it, man, I'm an astronaut not a fish inspector."

The end is nigh.

What else do they have to do all day?

"Whee!"

Numbers are sexy.

Jesus is my magical homeboy who's kind of a jerk.

Return of the Jedi: Under the Sea Edition.

The evil, godlike utensils of Satan.

Beware.

I'm getting hungry.

This has been helpful.

The dark is scary.

But dragons are scarier.

They really are. (If you're a professor I don't mean you, I mean those other professors...)

I've always wanted a Canadian to call my own.

First they make fun of us, then they pretend to be us.

...

He only published one book.

My Weaponized Little Pony™

This one is my favourite.

Short Short-Story 1: Humming, The

2011-05-20T18:07:00.001-06:00

I looked at the hammer in my hand. So, it has come to this. Never could I imagine it ending this way. Despite myself, I started remembering all the good times we've had together, all the laughs and joys he brought me throughout the years. That one Saturday that I spent all day in bed with him. Sometimes, I would even watch him sleep, which admittedly is pretty weird. He was always there for me; whenever I had a question he had an answer. Tears started welling up inside me and one threatened to fall. No, I must be strong. This is the right thing to do. I've been forgiving of his errors for far too long. I am going to serve cold revenge – well maybe more warm than cold, kind of like those leftovers that you try to microwave but can't really get too hot because your microwave is crappy – tonight. I started upstairs to my room, tripping a little on the way, but not even my clumsiness can stop my determination. Unless of course I miss with the hammer which might be a little awkward.

I tiptoe across the hall to my room. Quietly now, we wouldn’t want to alarm. I get to my door and open it slowly; it makes a horrible creaking sound that I was going to get fixed but didn’t because I was busy. Hammer behind my back, I step inside.

“Hello,” I say, walking up closer, “fine night tonight, isn’t it?”

No reply. I stand there for a moment, It’s a Fine Day by Opus III going through my mind as I wonder if the song will be stuck in my head for the rest of the day. I remember this one time I had Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head stuck in my head and all I could remember was that one line, just over and over – “raindrops keep falling on my head, raindrops keep falling on my head...” It was thanks to him I first heard these songs and was able to be annoyed by them. It was thanks to him I first heard a lot of songs. He introduced me to so much music. Maybe I am wrong after all? Maybe there is hope for us yet?

He starts to hum. A gentle if annoying sound. I know he is thinking hard about something, he always hums when thinking hard. What could he possibly be thinking about now, I think. I haven’t given him anything to think about. The humming suddenly stops and I watch him, just sitting there as if nothing is wrong. As if he hasn’t hurt me so badly that it hurts. As if he hasn’t robbed me of two years of my life that I shall never get back. No, there is no hope left. Just then the hammer slips out of my hand and falls with a clank to the floor. Oops. I pick it up quickly and before he has time to react I strike. Again and again...and again for good measure.

It is done. I look at the rubble I have created. Never again will he swallow a thesis paper I have been working on for two years. Never again will I have to hear that hellish humming sound followed by an array of error messages. It is done. I go back downstairs and eat some warm leftovers. I should get a new microwave.

Poetry Corner 3

2011-04-19T17:16:00.000-06:00

Old Man

He is sitting by the windows, staring out towards the world
As it moves about without him and his memories take hold
While it gives him bitter pleasure to remember what he had
All the things that brought him joy now only serve to drive him mad

He remembers youth and beauty, he remembers his guitar
He remembers smiling faces as he sang about the stars
He gets lost in all his thoughts, windows reflect his empty stare
He remembers when he mattered, when the world would give a care

Memories tell him their stories of when he made love to her
Passion and her face were vivid, the rest of the room a blur
There they laid by his fireplace, fingers entwined in other’s hair
Her soft arms are now replaced with the hard ones upon his chair

On the mantel sits his clock, it ticks away on its gold base
Time then seemed so full of promise, now cobwebs cover its face
Life may start out different, unique to everyone their flame
At the end however, it will end for all the same

Idle days he spends alone, with such grim longing for the past
Thinks he now about his bones – how long they’ll take to turn to dust
And how long he will be mourned before forever he’s forgot
Slouching down on his cold chair, he thinks dead flesh is quick to rot

Sadness heavy on his eyelids, his eyes close for the last time
Yearning takes away his breath; the cobwebbed clock gives out a chime
With his name as his companion he is laid into the ground
As the living throw the soil, their silent tears don’t make a sound

(Inspired by Mount Wroclai)

Vlog 4: Thorne, David

2011-03-26T17:55:00.003-06:00

I'd like to think that one day David will come to Canada and I will be able to take him to the Zoo and we would feed polar bears and one of the bears would go rogue and bite off David's hand and blood would splatter all over the snow and we would laugh and laugh. If David's new book was available for free at the library I would definitely rent it if I was going to go to the library that day anyway.

Favourite People:

1. Adrien Brody
2. David Thorne
3. Jesus
4. http://www.youtube.com/user/Theologikos
5. @marcmack
6. People who speak Latin
7. People who taught me Latin
8. Latin people

Geek it up!

2011-03-02T16:38:00.002-07:00

Are you bored? Do you have nothing to do? Do you resort to spending your days having philosophical debates with your plants? Then it's time to embrace your inner geek and try these 15 fun-filled activities!

15. Do calculus.

What you need: Some calculus problems.

Pluses: Realizing you're so smart, you can do calculus.

Possible drawbacks: Realizing you’re so stupid, you can’t do calculus.

14. Read comic books.

What you need: Comic books. Love of reading.

Pluses: Acquiring a comic book collection. And if you're a guy, not only does it give you a sense of achievement but the ladies love it.

Possible drawbacks: Paper cuts.

13. Have a Star Trek marathon.

What you need: Star Trek on DVD, digitally remastered. Or a friend who has Star Trek on DVD, digitally remastered.

Pluses: Helps you brush up on you Klingon.

Possible drawbacks: Sitting too close to the TV → blindness → never being able to see another Star Trek episode/movie ever again.

12. Reenact fight scenes from Lord of the Rings with weapons made from cardboard.

What you need: Cardboard. Duct tape.

Pluses: You can tape it and put it up on YouTube.

Possible drawbacks: Having to read YouTube comments.

11. Think up your own superhero complete with awesome powers and a storyline that would fit into the Marvel Universe.

What you need: Some knowledge of the Marvel Universe. Creativity.

Pluses: You can live vicariously through your hero or heroine.

Possible drawbacks: Not having your hero/heroine accepted, leading you to depression and a questioning of your own self-worth.

10. Have a whole conversation in binary.

What you need: 0100101101101110011011110111011101101100011001010110010001100111011001010010000001101111011001100010000001100010011010010110111001100001011100100111100100101110

Pluses: 0101100101101111011101010010000001110011011011110111010101101110011001000010000001100011011011110110111101101100011001010111001000101110
Possible drawbacks: 01000011011011110110111001110110011001010111001001110011011000010111010001101001011011110110111001110011001000000111010001100101011011100110010000100000011101000110111100100000011101000110000101101011011001010010000001101100011011110110111001100111011001010111001000101110

9. Attend a Renaissance faire.

What you need: A city cool enough to have Renaissance faires. A costume.

Pluses: You get to wear a costume.

Possible drawbacks: Having have to eat haggis.

8. Memorize all the lines to Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

What you need: The movie.

Pluses: You can amaze your friends with your impressive knowledge. You can also make such fun challenges for yourself as speaking only in Monty Python lines and seeing how long it takes before your friends are annoyed that you're speaking only in Monty Python lines.

Possible drawbacks: Having your friends annoyed that you're speaking only in Monty Python lines.

7. Play World of Warcraft.

What you need: The Internet. A parent's basement. A desire to waste countless hours of your life.

Pluses: None.

Possible drawbacks: Realizing you're playing WoW.

6. Play Dungeons and Dragons.

What you need: Dice. Friends.

Pluses: It's slightly less embarrassing than WoW.

Possible drawbacks: Realizing you don't have friends.

5. Play video or computer games.

What you need: Video or computer games.

Pluses: Trains your hand-eye coordination and/or strategy skills.

Possible drawbacks: Carpal tunnel syndrome.

4. Build a robot or make your very own AI.

What you need: Knowledge of what you need to build a robot or AI.

Pluses: With a bit of practice, you can eventually create an AI so powerful it becomes self-aware.

Possible drawbacks: The now self-aware AI enslaves you.

3. Pretend you’re a wizard for a day.

What you need: No aversion to annoying the f*** out of everyone. (Optional) Cloak and wizard hat.

Pluses: If you get a hat - pointy hat trick!

Drawbacks: Being "that guy" that does the pointy hat trick.

2. Watch Spider Man 3 and write down all the plot-holes and inaccuracies. Then blog about it angrily.

What you need: Paper. Writing utensil. Blog. Lots of pent up anger.

Pluses: You can finally release your indignation and feel a little better.

Possible drawbacks: Being a blogger.

1. Dress up into your favourite Star Wars characters and do some role-playing in the bedroom. In fact, if you haven’t done this one yet you can’t really call yourself a true geek.

What you need: At least one other person, you can have more (the more the merrier). Imagination!

Pluses: Being able to act out all your wild, geeky fantasies.

Possible Drawbacks: None come to mind.

Most Powerful Thing

2011-02-18T17:37:00.000-07:00

This post is dedicated to Valentine's Day which I meant to post then but was
busy so I didn't but you can go ahead and pretend that I did.

(Background from: http://www.allbackgrounds.com/)

Do these tweets make me look crazy?

2011-01-25T10:46:00.000-07:00

(For non-twitter people: If you like someone's tweet you can "favourite" it, which gives the tweet a gold star. There is also a site, favstar, that shows how many stars each tweet and each person receives. For example: sucittaM's page.)

Vlog 3: End, The

2011-01-05T19:05:00.001-07:00

See the poem.
http://www.youtube.com/user/ravie88

Communism and Other Reasons to Hate Santa

2010-12-20T17:15:00.000-07:00

Here are my top ten reasons to hate Santa (I'm sure you can think of more):

10. He’s a judgmental arse. Why should he decide who is naughty or nice? Or, indeed, what should constitute as being ‘naughty’ and being ‘nice’. Who does he think he is?

9. Worker exploitation. Those poor little elves get no health benefits, no paid vacation, nothing!

8. He’s a stalker.

7. He leads decent women to sin. How many kids have spotted their mommy kissing Santa Claus? It is not right to treat another man's wife as your personal “hoe hoe hoe.”

6. Animal Cruelty. How would you like to be forced to fly around the whole bloody world?

5. He is just plain creepy. I don't want to say he's a pedophile but asking little kids to sit on his lap and then saying stuff like “Have you been a naughty girl?” (Oh you’d like that, would you, St.Nick?) - what is up with that? He even keeps a “list” of all our children. Personally, I find that all sorts of sinister.

4. His name is just one letter placement away from Satan. Coincidence? Well, probably, but I feel that it should still be noted.

3. He’s a drug dealer. I mean, how else would he get the capital? If you think milk and cookies go far in this economy, think again! And he no doubt uses those drugs himself.

"Santa goes around the world in one night without stopping? Meth is Santa's Little Helper." - @Paxochka

2. Breaking and entering. In a civilized society, that’s considered a crime.

1. He’s a communist. The red suit, the red sack, the favouring of Rudolf because he has a red nose. And no matter how much or how little an elf works they all get an equal wage.

So Merry F’ing Christmas to you too, but know that we’re on to you, Komrade Kringle.

Slacktivism, FTW!

2010-12-13T13:14:00.001-07:00

My friend had this status on facebook last week:
Breaking news: Child Abuse Cured by Facebook Cartoon Pictures.
It made laugh. But not as much as the replies. "It will make people feel better. That counts for something." "What's wrong with making yourself feel better?"

Since when did it turn from 'stopping child abuse' to 'making yourself feel better about child abuse'?

"It's the best some people can do."

Really? I doubt it. Maybe for some people it is, maybe others actually do donate time and money in addition to changing their profile pic but I am going to venture a guess that most do not. Most people could be doing a lot more.

When people hear about an issue such as abuse, starving children, cancer, etc. The think "oh noes, that's so terrible, so sad!" They rush to the Interwebz to change their picture or status then forget about it and go back to their Wii games and their steak dinners. The Interwebz are great that way, with a simple change of you fb status to the colour of your bra, or a well written, morally outraged forum post you can truly feel like you've made a difference in the world. You can put a checkmark in your morality column for the day and go on your merry way, not giving the issue a second thought.

People who really do their best are the exception, not the rule. But hey, now that I made this blog post I can feel better about knowing that, and so can you!

"It gets the message out there."

Possibly, but without putting in any other effort those messages mutate from 'there is an issue' to 'look at me, I'm such a moral person, I care about this issue.'

I leave you with the wisdom of twitter: "Changing your avatar to a cartoon to prevent child abuse is like changing your avatar to a treadmill to prevent obesity." - @ruthakers

Vlog 2: BFF

2010-11-19T22:34:00.001-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/user/ravie88

Song 4: I Kissed a Prof

2010-11-11T10:47:00.001-07:00

(To the tune of I Kissed a Girl)

Your office was not what I planned
Lost my direction
I got so brave, books in hand
Screw all discretion
It's not what, I'm used to
Just wanna try you on
Hope it does not come to
The dean’s attention

I kissed a prof and I liked it
The feel of his soft tweed jacket
I kissed a prof just to try it
I hope that the dean don't mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Hope I’m not expelled tonight
I kissed a prof and I liked it
I liked it

No, I’m not even in your class
It doesn't matter
Not doing this just for a pass
Just student nature
It's not what, good girls do
Not how they should behave
Uni rules get me so confused
Hard to obey

I kissed a prof and I liked it
The feel of his soft tweed jacket
I kissed a prof just to try it
I hope that the dean don't mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Hope I’m not expelled tonight
I kissed a prof and I liked it
I liked it

Those profs they are so knowledgeable
So smart, dorky, so kissable
Elbow patches so touchable
Too good to deny it
Ain't no big deal, it's innocent

I kissed a prof and I liked it
The feel of his soft tweed jacket
I kissed a prof just to try it
I hope that the dean don't mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Hope I’m not expelled tonight
I kissed a prof and I liked it
I liked it

Paranoia: A Tale in Pictures

2010-11-03T23:42:00.002-06:00

2:12pm - Watching TV. Don't worry, it's not Glee.

2:13pm - Wait...

2:13pm - Oh no...

2:13pm - Oh, HELL no...!

2:14pm

2:15pm

2:16pm

2:18pm

2:19pm - I think foil really brings out my eyes.

2:20pm - Better hide under my safety table.

2:23pm

2:29pm

2:30pm

2:35pm - Still not feeling very safe.

2:35pm - Hmm...

2:36pm - I know...

2:36pm - ...Jesus will save me!

2:37pm - Don't hurt me, I have Jesus!

2:38pm

2:38pm - Bored now.

2:44pm - Sigh.

2:57pm - I dreamt of girabbits.

3:06pm - I was either hoping to find a watch there, or
I am really fascinated with my wrist.

3:07pm - Blah.

3:09pm

3:10pm - Where ARE they?

3:10pm

3:11pm

3:11pm - Missed.


3:12pm - Back to TV. Still not watching Glee.

I wish I hadn't crumpled up the hat. I had to make another one the next day.

Song 3: Little Rocket Launcher

2010-10-17T16:10:00.006-06:00

Dedicated to HindSight5050

(To the tune of Pocket Full of Sunshine)

I got a little, got a little rocket launcher.
Don’t piss me off or I will launch stuff at ya. Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Do what you want, but you're never gonna break me.
Rocket launcher will always protect me. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Rocket launcher, for any day.
Your enemies, them it will slay.
Rocket launcher, for any place.
Rocket launcher, you I embrace.

I got a little, got a little rocket launcher.
Don’t piss me off or I will launch stuff at ya. Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Do what you want, but you're never gonna break me.
Rocket launcher will always protect me. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

I got a little, got a little rocket launcher.
Don’t piss me off or I will launch stuff at ya. Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Wish that you could, but cha ain't gonna own me.
With rockets launched no one can control me. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Rocket launcher, for any day.
Your enemies, them it will slay.
Rocket launcher, for any place.
Rocket launcher, you I embrace.

And wherever I go now everyone knows,
That I am a pro, at launching rockets.
And there’s no more lies; because if I find out,
Then everyone cries, when my cool rocket flies.

Rocket launcher, for any day.
Your enemies, them it will slay.
Rocket launcher, for any place.
Rocket launcher, you I embrace.

Rocket launcher, for any day.
Your enemies, them it will slay.
Rocket launcher, for any place.
Rocket launcher, you I embrace.

Rocket launcher, for any day.
Your enemies, them it will slay.
Rocket launcher, for any place.
Rocket launcher, you I embrace.

With rockets on my side.
Nowhere you can hide
I smile at my launcher.
I know I'll be all right.

With rockets on my side.
Nowhere you can hide
I smile at my launcher.
I know I'll be all right.

Ana's University* Survival Guide

2010-09-27T21:43:00.005-06:00

*Or college for you Americans.

I've been at University for four years now, and I've learned a few things. I think it is only fair that I pass on my wisdom to you who may be less knowledgeable in the ways of higher education. Below, I have compiled a list of some must-know hints and tips. You're welcome.

1. A lecture is a great time to take care of all your facebooking and twitter needs.

2. To avoid a student traffic jam at the end of class, make sure you start packing up at least 5 minutes early. If you have another class to get to after, it is best to err on the side of caution and make it 10 minutes.

3. To save time on studying, ask whether anything you learned is going to be on the final. You never know when a prof is just teaching for his own personal amusement or when he assigns a reading just for sh*ts and giggles. Make sure you ask this about every single piece of material.

4. If you miss a class, the only proper way to formulate a question about what you missed is "Did I miss anything (important)?"

5. Reading the syllabus is for pussies.

6. Make sure you are polite in your emails and include a greeting.

Wrong way to email:

im going on this super important vacation with my parents at end of summer is it ok if I miss the first 9 weeks of class?

Right way to email:

yo sup,

im going on this super important vacation with my parents at end of summer is it ok if I miss the first 9 weeks of class?

(Note: Proper grammar and spelling will only make you look pretentious.)

7. Little known fact: Staring at the clock during lectures will make the time go by faster.

8. Make it a habit to skip at least a few classes every semester so people know you have a life outside of school. This will make you look important.

9. Any non-academic compliment given by a professor to a student, no matter how harmless it may seem, is a sign of harassment. Do not be fooled; report to the proper authorities post-haste.

10. Plagiarism is not only an effective, but also a fun way to get things done.

11. Grades, and this is perhaps the most important point to remember, are negotiable. I wrote a poem for all your negotiating needs (with thanks to Carpet Monkey for inspiring the format):

I see I got…. caught cheating / a fail / an unfair grade

I thought…. it was ok / I would pass / I had it made

I need to…. get into law / impress parents / graduate

I think you’re…. understanding / out to get me / super great

So won’t you…. look past it / help me / round up

I’ll give you…. cookies / a good eval / a coffee cup

I will be…. gratefully / happy / stopping the threats

I don’t want to…. fail / spill tears / give you regrets

I’d hate to…. retake it / argue / talk to the dean

Don’t make me…. cry / blackmail / tell him you’re mean

Please know I…. didn’t mean it / am sorry / only get A’s

I always…. mean well / get revenge / get praise

So just…. pass me / look the other way / acquit

Because I…. tried hard / studied / paid for it

I want us to…. be friends / hook up / part well

But if I must I’ll…. fight you / beg / raise hell

Vlog 1: Oh hai!

2010-09-19T18:38:00.002-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/user/ravie88

Of Mean Profs and University-Appropriate Attire

2010-09-05T10:24:00.001-06:00

Dear in-charge-type people at the University of Alberta,

I am writing in regards to Dr.A. I had the great displeasure of being in Dr.A’s math class last term. He has been rude, sorely unhelpful, and overall not nice person. He grades his tests unfairly, marking on what he thinks we should know instead of on what we actually know. He also took of marks for spelling and grammar mistakes. This is a math class! If I wanted to be tested on english, I would take an english class, not a math class. I don’t know who he thinks he is, expecting university students to have a basic grasp of english in a math class. His bad marking was further demonstrable when he took of marks on my exam when I forgot to put my name on it. Nowhere in the syllabus does it say we have to put our names on our exams.

Before our final I had an important question so I called him to ask it and he got mad at me. What kind of lame person goes to sleep at 11:30pm? I mean, it was’nt even midnight yet. I would have emailed him but sometimes he can take hours to email back. And don’t even get me started on trying to get a hold of him in his office. He is only there at times that are convenient for him. No, Dr.A, I cannot come either on Thursday between 1-3pm or on Friday after 2pm. My friend Linda has a hair appointment on Thursday and asked me to go with her. As for Friday, I just don’t feel like it.

This one time, he sorely imbarrassed me in front of the whole class by putting me on the spot. He asked me a question, I don’t know what it was because I was checking facebook on my iPhone so I could’nt answer him. He totally freaked out that I could’nt answer. How does he expect me to answer when I did’nt even hear the question in the first place?

This another time, I asked for an extension for an assignment on the day it was due. My boyfriend had just broken up with me a month ago and I just could’nt do math in such an emotional state. But a little understanding was apparently too much to ask of Dr.A when he gave me a 0 on the assignment. For my final mark, he gave me a C-. I asked if he could round this up to an A. I deserve a better grade because I know I’m smart and I tried very hard and I need it to get into grad school. Also, I’m paying for uni which makes me a consumer and in this case, not a happy one. Dr.A refused, saying that even the C- was generous. I called him a jerk. I then asked for a reference letter. He said no.

So in summary, I would like you to take the appropriate actions against Dr.A and inform him that professors need to see us as people who have our own lives and who can’t always put their homework first. Profs should also be at our constant beckon call whenever we need help. In addition, they should be able to provide us with extensions, good grades, free tutoring, reference letters, and a pony.

Sincerely,

Anastasia Kazakevich

Distrought Student

P.S. After Linda got a haircut Dr.A said, and I quote, “nice haircut.” I suggested she file a sexual harrassment suite at once, which she is currently looking in to.
-----

My University Summer Attire:

My University Winter Attire:

(The key to making both ensembles work are the glasses; they make me look like a smart, serious student.)

AGT: America’s Got Tragedy

2010-09-01T16:46:00.001-06:00

I love America’s Got ~~Tragic back-stories~~ Talent. Basically, it is a show where people from all over the country gather to display their various ~~tragic pasts~~ talents. The judges decide whether a contestant is ~~tragic~~ talented enough to be put through. After that, America votes for their favourite contestant, deciding who has the most ~~tragic upbringing~~ talent. The winner gets a million dollars and a show in Vegas.

My singer friend Lily wants to audition next year. It has been her dream to win ever since she saw this show on Tuesday. She deserves to win because she has had a hard life. She ran away from home at age 11 month. This was especially hard for her because she couldn’t run very well yet. She lived in the forest until she was 16 with a couple of bears who she befriended with her singing. She then met a homeless guy named One-Eyed Ben and fell in love because he seemed nice. Lily learned a hard lesson though when One-Eyed Ben turned out not to be nice. He forced her to work, washing his one pair of dirty socks and polishing his glass eye during the day, and then raped her during the night. She ran away from him too, but not before he could impregnate her. Nine month later she gave birth to octuplets.

She is now 18 and lives near a local dump, where her kids frolic through the garbage with the rodents. The rodents serve as both delightful pets and delicious dinner. Even though Lily works 17 full-time jobs she is unable to afford food because she has to pay hospital bills. Lily has a rare disease that makes people lose their voice and die at age 20. However, this did not deter Lily. After seeing the show she willed her voice to come back and now sings beautifully even though the doctors told her she’ll never sing again.

Just before going on the show Lily will find out that the forest she lived in was cut down to build an IKEA and her bear friends killed. Even though this breaks her heart she still goes on with the show because she is a fighter. If she wins, she will hire lawyers with the prize money to sue the IKEA people. Because she is a good, forgiving person she will also buy One-Eyed Ben a high-tech, custom-made, self-polishing glass eye. If she has any money left after that she will establish a future for her eight children so they can be ok when she dies at 20 and she will also end world hunger while she's at it. She will be an inspiration to all who share this rare disease and they will send her letters printed on pastel-coloured paper telling her how wonderful she is.

Prank Call, The

2010-08-22T21:32:00.001-06:00

Some people may not know this, but besides texting, taking pics, listening to music, checking facebook/twitter/email, a phone may also be used as a talking device. And with that comes the prank calls. This one is particularly splendid: The murder scene call.

Here is one you can try yourself with a few friends:

Day 1
Pranker: Hi, can I speak to Harold please?
Victim: Uh, I think you have the wrong number.
Pranker: Ok, sorry.

Day 2
Pranker: Hi, is Harold there?
Victim: No, Harold doesn't live here.
Pranker: Oh sorry.

Day 3
Pranker: Hi, is Harold available?
Victim: I already told you, he doesn't live here.
Pranker: Are you sure?
Victim: Yes. Please stop calling.

Day 4
Pranker: Hey, I know Harold doesn't live there but could I leave him a message?
Victim: ......

Day5
Pranker 2: Hi, I heard this is where I can leave messages for Harold...
Victim: wtf?

Day6
Pranker 3: Hi I'm just calling with a message for Harold.
Victim: Screw you.

Day 7
Pranker 4: Hi I'm Harold, did anyone leave me any messages?

The Twits

2010-08-04T15:48:00.002-06:00

(Click image to enlarge.)

Song 2: Favourite Things

2010-07-27T23:01:00.003-06:00

Wilting black roses and strangling kittens
Bright copper weapons and dirty ol' mittens
Evil debauchery tied up with sins
These are a few of my favourite things

Torturing ponies and killing off poodles
Feeding kids bitter and poisonous noodles
Wild geese attempting flight with broken wings
These are a few of my favourite things

Girls in torn dresses with deep bloody gashes
Fire that burns off my nose and eyelashes
Acidic substance that melts into skins
These are a few of my favourite things

When I get caught
Cheating on you
When I'm feeling sad
I simply steal some of my favourite things
And then I don't feel so bad

The Problem of Problem Solving

2010-07-19T14:37:00.004-06:00

For the past 6 months I have been observing people in their natural environment, the Internet, to study how they respond to and resolve various problems that arise in their community. After crunching the numbers of my scientific findings using scientific methods I have come to the scientific conclusion that most people choose between two courses of action:

Choice A:

Complain about it.
Complain that no one is doing anything about it.
Complain that there are too many people complaining.
Contemplate doing something about it.
Procrastinate.
Actually do something about it.

99% of people never get past stage 3.
99.6% of people never get past stage 5.

Choice B:

Ignore it.

Failbook

2010-07-12T14:35:00.010-06:00

Facebook keeps suggesting I “reconnect” with one of my friends. It’s always the same friend (is fb trying to hint at something?) and it’s always the same boring suggestions: “Say hello. Write on his wall. Share the latest news. Etc.” It made me realize how boring and sometimes downright unrealistic facebook can be with its limited suggestions and categories. So I thought up of a few things that can make it better. Let’s start with the whole reconnecting thing. Things I feel need to be added:

Cyberstalk her.

Creep his wall.

Make inappropriate comments on her pictures.

Send him a private message lined with subtle innuendos and see if he catches on.

Meet up in person and actually talk face-to-face...just kidding, write on his wall.

In the “Interested In” section there is Women and Men. Not only is this speciest, but let’s face it – it’s prejudice against intersexuals. Where is their category? Where is the justice? (The same problem exists where fb asks you to define your sex.) Things I feel need to be added:

Intersexuals.

Ladyboys.

Aliens.

People with a three digit IQ.

Things I feel need to be added to Relationship Status:

Being suffocated by _________

Constantly fantasizing about _________

Started dating ______ but am waiting for her to change the relationship status first so I don’t seem needy.

Things I feel need to be added to “Looking for”:

Minions.

Twitter followers.

Acquaintances I can borrow money from.

The Holy Grail (Thanks to Leah for this one).

FarmVille neighbors.

Random people I want to add just to make my friends list look bigger.

I think we all know people who are looking for the last category…you know the ones I’m talking about, those people who have over 1000 “friends” with the list growing everyday. The people who always have “Fred McFriendly just became friends with Another Random” as their latest activity no matter what time of the day you click on their profile. I will never understand why someone would add people they never spoke to in real life so they can never speak to them online. If one medium of not-speaking is not enough, why stop there? Why not send this person an email with nothing, leave an empty message on their answering machine, send a blank piece of paper through snail mail?

This is also one of the things about fb privacy settings that bugs me…one of many things (fb privacy settings have been going downhill ever since they announced that all our content are belong to them). Things I feel should be added to who can “send me a friend request”:

No one

Finally, I feel that the “People You May Know” section should be renamed “A collection of random people, some of which you happen to have a friend or two in common with, and only about 5% - at best - of whom you may actually know.”

Follow me on Twitter, stalk me in real life.

2010-07-01T13:41:00.000-06:00

Lately, I've been feeling that spending 10.3 hours online everyday is just not enough - it's still borderline healthy. So I decided to add Twitter to my list of important cyber activities. http://twitter.com/the_anastasia Come watch me try to be witty in 140 characters or less. ("Just a sec, I have to go harvest my crops in Farmville.” is just not something that should ever be uttered during sex., Everyday should be Canada Day., etc.)

Speaking of Canada Day, it's Canada Day! Happy Canada Day! I think the Arrogant Worms say it best: "We won't say that we're better, it's just that we're less worse."

Misrepresentation Continuum, The

2010-06-26T11:36:00.005-06:00

Done for my Soc212 class. In a reading on bullshit (it was a good class) the author wondered what a lying continuum would look like. I took the liberty of making one:

(Click image to enlarge.)

Poetry Corner 2

2010-06-13T20:51:00.005-06:00

Uncanny Valley
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uncanny_valley)

Something does not quite fit
Something’s off by just a bit
An imitation of care
With a cold and empty stare
Something does not belong
Sinister and wrong
Something really odd
That mocks the work of God
Something not quite whole
Born without a soul

Salad Fingers

2010-05-29T21:43:00.008-06:00

This is the sweetest, most delightful cartoon to ever grace my screen. They have 8 short episodes so far and I am very patiently waiting for the next installment. I encourage everyone to check it out:

http://www.fat-pie.com/salad.htm

Some of its finer moments:

“I’d like to elect you as my new playmate.”
After eating sand: “...the floor sugar does taste rather queer in this area.”
“Today, I’m going to try and find France.”
“Oh! How I’ve dreamt of taps...”
“Lock up your daughters tonight, General, there’ll be trouble in the maidens’ quarters.”
“...do you not like my mouth words?”
“I hope you like sand.”
Upon pricking a finger: “I like it when the red water comes out.”

Post Graduation Plans

2010-05-23T13:17:00.008-06:00

These are listed in order from the most likely to the least likely.

1. Become a Criminal Mastermind.
2. Write a New York Times Best Seller.
3. Marry Adrien Brody.

4. Live in my parents’ basement and become the greatest WoW player the world has ever seen.
5. Get a sex change in order to join the Freemasonry.
6. World Domination.
7. Alchemy. (The art of turning something shiny into something even shinier.)
8. Grad school.
9. Fulfill my childhood dream of becoming a giraffe farmer when I grow up.
10. Work at a respectable job like some sort of normal person.

Customer Satisfaction

2010-05-13T21:26:00.006-06:00

After providing a “service” to others wouldn’t it be nice to have a formal way of knowing how you did your job?* Where you went wrong, and where you can improve? Well now you do! Just ask the serviced party to fill out the survey below. Don’t hesitate to fill out a survey for them in return; they’ll thank you for it!

After receiving your survey back it is expected that you will use the results to self-improve, especially if the serviced party plans a return visit unless a) the serviced party is much worse at this than you are and clearly don’t know what they are talking about or b) you don’t really feel like it.

Customer Satisfaction Survey**
Page 1 (click image to enlarge):

Page 2:

*Yes it would.
**Customarily meant for two or more participants. Can still be used if there was only one, but please note that rating yourself is kind of sad.

Art 3: A pic of...some animal

2010-05-05T22:23:00.005-06:00

Date: 2003
Medium: Watercolour Pencils
Size: 15 x 22

Things I wish I invented first.

2010-04-26T21:53:00.006-06:00

21. The Wheel
20. Tinfoil
19. Beer
18. Bubblewrap
17. Harry Potter
16. Clocks
15. Facebook
14. The Interrobang
13. Floss
12. Calculus
11. Mirrors
10. Blogging
9. Religion
8. The Violin
7. New Zealanders
6. Quantum Mechanics
5. Duct Tape
4. Chess
3. Spellcheck
2. Giraffes
1. This Knife Holder:

Woods, Tiger

2010-04-16T17:49:00.004-06:00

I quite enjoy all the moral outrage at Tiger’s infidelity. Articles are printed. Concerns are expressed. Tiger Woods novelty items are burned at the stake. Many people cheat, but most are fortunate enough not to be famous to have to make an apology to the world about it. As far as I know, being the world’s personal moral guidance counselor is not part of any celebrities’ job description.

I have often come across those parents who are worried about how unethical behaviour of famous people will affect their children. If you are worried about your kids, go be a parent. Teach your kids that celebrities are humans who make mistakes, not gods for us mere mortals to emulate in every way. Chances are, if your kid is effed up, it’s not because some celebrity was a bad role model – it’s because you were.

I really do not see committed young guys now going out and hooking up with every girl left and right just because of the whole Woods fiasco. If a guy cheats, it’s not because he stared at his wrist and contemplated his WWTD (What Would Tiger Do?) bracelet, it’s because he’s a douchebag. (And was most likely going to do so regardless.)

People love to compensate for their own moral downfalls by criticizing them in someone else. They do something unethical than even up the scale by defending ethics elsewhere. I think we should all thank Tiger for giving us this opportunity to express our self-righteousness and thus even out our morality scales.

Poetry Corner 1

2010-04-11T17:49:00.009-06:00

Haikus!

I see dead people

There are many in my house
Court date tomorrow

She complained a lot
Brake line is easily cut
I like the quiet

I saw him cheating
Pyromania is fun
He screams like a girl

Does Size Matter?

2010-03-30T23:14:00.003-06:00

I have been debating this for a while now. I feel that the smaller ones are easier to grip in your hand and move back an forth, however, the bigger ones seem more satisfying to mate with. At the end of the day though, as long as I win I don't think it really matters what size the chess pieces are. How about you, fellow chess players? Do you have a preference for size?

Art 2: Ship

2010-03-22T22:45:00.006-06:00

Date: 2004
Medium: pencil crayons
Size: 8.25 x 5

I like this one...possibly because I like pictures of ships. Not the ships themselves, mind you, just pictures of them. I copied this from a pic I got of the Internet. The only thing I changed was the flag from whichever boring country it was to a pirates' flag.

Song 1: Julie don’t go, I told him.

2010-03-15T18:04:00.010-06:00

I told him, Julie don’t go.
(To the tune of Scotty Doesn't Know.)

In memory of Gaius Julius Cæsar.

Hey!!!

Julie doesn’t know that Brutus and co
Conspire against him every Sunday.
Say they’re in bath houses,
But they just don’t go,
Still they’re out plotting and…

Julie doesn’t know, oh,
Julie don’t you go-oh.
I told him, Julie,
Julie don’t you go,
Julie don’t you go!
WON’T YOU TELL JULIE?!

They say they’re in the forum, shopping,
But they’re scheming hard and they’re not stopping.

Said Julie don’t you go,
Julie don’t you go,
Julie don’t you go,
Julie don’t you go,
Won’t you tell Julie?
Julie don’t you go-oooh…
PLEASE TELL JULIE!

I can’t believe he’s so trusting,
Their daggers they’ll pull out, thrusting.
Killing him while he’s alone,
Stifling out any last moan,
It’s a mutiny and he knows nothing,
NOTHING!

Julie don’t you go,
Julie don’t you go,
Julie don’t you go,
Told him, Julie,
Said Julie don’t you go,
Julie don’t you go-oooh…
WON’T YOU TELL JULIE?!

‘Twill be a bloody show,
The senators stoop low,
Julie don’t you go,
Julie don’t you go,
Julie don’t you go-oooh….

The, portico, why not?
Never even reached the top…
The theatre, what a blow,

Stabbing so hard, oh
Julie don’t you go,
Julie please don’t go!

Betrayed on the Ides of March.

Julie don’t you go,
Julie don’t you go,
Julie don’t you go,
Julie don’t you go,
Told him Julie,
Julie don’t you go-oooh….

Julie mustn’t go,
Julie shouldn’t go,
Julie’s gotta know,
I told him, Julie,
Yes I told him myself.

Julie doesn’t know,
Julie don’t you go,
Julie’s has to,
Julie’s has to,
Julie’s has to know!

Julie don’t you go,
Julie don’t you go,
Julie don’t you go,
Julie don’t you go,
Julie don’t you go,
Julie don’t you go,
Julie don’t you,
Julie don’t you,
Julie don’t you go!!

Tomorrow Be Ides of March

2010-03-14T17:55:00.007-06:00

Ah, Ides of March, the anniversary date of Caesar’s assassination and my favourite holiday after Flag Day. Most people I have talked to seem to be on the side of the ~~traitors~~ ~~murderers~~ republicans. Personally, I feel that stabbing someone unannounced is kind of rude. However, I do understand why the senate did it, and it is not because Caesar had too much power or some such, that’s just a cover up. The real reason he was killed is because he broke the bro-code by sleeping with their wives/mothers/et cetera, which kind of pissed them off...

Now you know the truth behind Caesar’s death. You’re welcome.

By the way, tomorrow I shall be posting a song I wrote in Caesar’s honour, partly inspired by Rinse the Blood Off My Toga. (Check out the vid, it’s pretty funny.)

Surveys, Why I Love Them

2010-03-09T22:09:00.004-07:00

They provide an excellent service of giving people the false sense that their opinions matter. Through but a checking of a few boxes, and some well thought out short answers, every little man can now feel important and sleep soundly knowing that his voice was heard. They also give me a great opportunity for self-amusement.

Got an email a few days ago: “The Globe and Mail invites you to participate in a national survey that will provide information for the 2011 Globe and Mail Canadian University Report (CUR).” I stopped the less important things I was doing (studying for a midterm) and ran off to take it at once.

5. What are the best or worst things about the academic experience you receive?

Best – that time I slept with that gorgeous prof. Worst – he failed me anyway.

33. What is the best kept secret about your institution that should be better known?

There is a secret wardrobe on the third floor of the Biological Sciences building which leads to a magical land of lions and witches and creatures alike.

34. What programs at your institution should be widely recognized for excellence?

The ones that show excellence.

---
I was just kidding about number 5 by the way.....he didn't fail me.

Diary Excerpt 4: Sales People, Why I Hate Them

2010-03-07T20:50:00.010-07:00

Saturday. February 13, 2010

Went to buy a bra today. Sales lady comes up.

“No no, this is totally not the right bra for your style, it doesn’t suit you at all...no no, this one would be better…don’t go for that one, that’s no good...no no, that's not the right size...this one is perfect, buy this one.”

I cannot begin to express how happy I am there was someone there to inform me what my style is, as clearly years of bra-wearing experience was not sufficient enough for me to learn of it. If only they got commission for being extra-annoying to the customers - she would be one rich lady. I had to resist telling her “No no, this is totally not the right job for your working style, it doesn’t suit you at all.”

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She didn't even let me try on what I wanted...speaking of bras though, I would *love* to know who designed this:

Infinitus est numerus stultorum.

2010-02-26T18:34:00.003-07:00

(This is taken from an old blog I used to have. If any of you wonderful RHP people are reading, you might remember it.)

It all happened so quickly, he came out of nowhere. I was unprepared. Stupidity pierced right through my shields of logic as if they were nothing. It amazes me how even in the face of common sense idiocy is bravely stood by. I am defeated. Broken. Reduced to nothing but a weeping child, beating my own head against my computer and hoping against hope that either the computer or my brain sustains enough damage that it will save me from having have to read the replies that defy all laws of reason and reality. Why did I not fall back whilst I still had the chance? Why did I engage in the first place? It must have been the Devil that convinced me to enter this battle of the words that left me empty and hollow with nothing but a desire to gouge my own eyes out so I will no longer have to see my words get mutilated and twisted beyond any recognition before they are thrown back into my already battered face. I die a little with every one of his posts, spawned out of some sort of alternate, warped universe unbeknownst to men. And just when I thought it could not possibly get any worse, he somehow manages to concoct something that proves me wrong. As I sit here, unsure of whether I should laugh, cry, or just get it over with and kill myself, he delivers the final blow. Any last ounce of hope I had left to save myself was completely crushed by the unstoppable force of doltishness from the other side.

Now I know why Jesus wept.

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Let this be a lesson to all – only fools argue with fools. If you ever get the urge to argue online, don’t. Just don’t. Don’t let their whirlpool of idiocy suck you into the deepest and darkest abyss of stupidity, from whence no man returns quite the same.

Art 1: Budgie

2010-02-18T16:05:00.009-07:00

Date: January 2003

Medium: Pencil

Size ~ 12 x 18

Found some old drawings of mine and realized that I wasn't completely terrible so I decided to try my hand at drawing people. Bought a "how to" book yesterday. We'll see how that goes...

I'll be posting some more of my art later. Some of it good, some of it bad, some of it I-wish-I-could-spork-my-own-eyes-out terrible.

Commandments, If I Wrote the

2010-02-12T23:03:00.010-07:00

1) Thou shalt not consider the year 2000 as the start of the new millennium.
2) Thou shalt not wear crocs because thou thinkest they are comfortable.
3) Thou shalt not regard something without a meter as poetry, even if it rhymes.
4) Thou shalt not repeat everything five times in an academic paper.
5) Thou shalt not believe Disney turns kids into little racists.
6) Thou shalt not think anyone who uses a rare word is being pedantic.
7) Thou shalt not view Latin as a useless dead language.
8) Thou shalt not think pajamas are appropriate school attire.
9) Thou shalt not consider a urinal to be a great piece of Modern “Art”.
10) Thou shalt not try converting others to thine own religion.
11) Thou shalt not celebrate mediocrity.
12) Thou shalt not think an Arts degree has no value.
13) Thou shalt not greet anyone with “ ‘sup”.
14) Thou shalt not ignore rules of spelling, grammar, and punctuation.
15) Thou shalt not blame McDonald’s for being fat.
16) Thou shalt not be redundant in an academic paper.
17) Thou shalt not believe the opinions of experts are beyond question.
18) Thou shalt not be easily offended.
19) Thou shalt not regard every nice act or compliment as “sucking up”.
20) Thou shalt not play World of Warcraft.
21) Thou shalt read this blog.

Anything thou would likest to add?

Anastasia, A Day in the Life of

2010-02-10T21:29:00.003-07:00

Tuesday, February 9, 2010:
6:57am – alarm rings, hit snooze
7:01 – hit snooze
7:05 – hit snooze
7:09 – annoyed, turned off alarm all together
8:22 – got up
8:24 – shower
8:29 – got creeped out by rubber duck staring at me
8:50 – got out, got dressed & did my hair
9:09 – food
9:18 – tea!
9:22 – checked facebook “for five minutes”
10:31 – logged out of facebook
10:32 – started studying for midterm on Friday
10:33 – got bored of studying
10:34 – argued on the internet
11:22 – brushed teeth
11:24 – eyeliner and mascara
11:26 – rushed to bus stop
11:28 – commuted to uni
12:03pm – got there early, chatted with friends and classmates outside of class
12:30 – Sociology 333
1:50 – to the bus stop, away!
1:59 – commuted home
2:40 – food
2:50 – tea!
2:55 – cyber stalked
3:48 – tried studying again
4:08 – got bored again
4:09 – watched AMV Hell on youtube (it’s like porn, but better)
4:52 – drew a girabbit (cute!)
5:00 – went back to the internet argument from this morning (I can’t let them win, this is IMPORTANT)
6:16 – played some online chess
6:33 – attempt at studying #3
6:43 – distracted by something shiny “Shiiiiiiiinnnyyyyyyy”
7:02 – “Oh right, I’m suppose to be studying”
7:07 – “that’s good enough for today”
7:08 – admired the shiny object some more
7:11 – decided to polish it with Windex
7:13 – tasted some Windex (at least I don’t drink coffee)
7:15 – food
7:21 – You know it…tea!!
7:25 – wrote in my journal (ie diary…but journal sounds less girly)
7:36 – another “quick” check of facebook
8:21 – logged out of facebook
8:22 – checked blogs (mine and ones I follow)
8:30 – stared into empty space
8:38 – complained to a friend about never having enough time to do anything
8:43 – more tea (what? It’s good)
8:49 – watched a movie (chick flick, eugh)
10:39 – brushed teeth
10:43 – prayed and read the Bible…just kidding
10:43 – fantasized about Adrien Brody
11:57 – went to sleep
12:20am – got up to pee
12:22 – went back to sleep

Diary Excerpt 3: Spell Check is Evil Anyway

2010-02-08T19:26:00.004-07:00

Wednesday. November 18, 2009

You know you're tired when you spend ten minutes trying to force a 'g' into individualized. You know you're really tired when after spell check suggests the correct spelling you think to yourself - well, that can't be the word I'm looking for, it has no 'g' in it!

Today's entree was brought to you by the letter G.

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I am happy to report that I have since learned the difference between "entree" and "entry".

The Self-Amusement Scale

2010-02-04T20:47:00.004-07:00

(Click image to enlarge.)

I don't fit into the last category because sometimes I'm asleep.

Diary Excerpt 2: For Shame!

2010-01-30T12:08:00.002-07:00

Sunday. November 22, 2009

I have done something unspeakable this weekend. Something that shames me deeply. I know not what infernal force possessed me to stoop so low. I do not think I shall ever be able to live this down. Yes, I went to see New Moon in theatres. (Opening weekend, no less!)

Actually, the movie wasn't too bad. The only things I didn't like were the characters, the acting, the directing, the music, the special effects, the screenplay, the setting in which it was filmed, the storyline (I mean really, why would beings who are centuries old care about teenage drama?), and the credits - they rolled too slow. Other than those few things though, I quite enjoyed the rest.*

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*The lighting was adequate.

Show & Tell

2010-01-28T19:09:00.006-07:00

I got to do a Show & Tell for class today. I’m happy that I got a chance to do one, I never did in elementary and always felt like I missed some sort of childhood right-of-passage. I was quite nervous (I hate public speaking almost as much as I hate people who don't hate public speaking), and when I’m this nervous I start to sweat (eew!). I had to change my shirt twice before I left for class this morning. Why I didn’t wait to put on the shirt I wanted till right before I left will forever remain a mystery. I was well prepared and had my cue card ready and everything but still feel I didn’t articulate my points as well as I would have liked. Also, I think at some point I was blushing because my face felt warm. On the bright side, everyone laughed at all the points that I strongly felt they should laugh at. Which proves I am not the only one who finds me funny, although I am probably still the one who finds me funniest. In fact, my level of self-amusement just crossed the threshold from being unhealthy to being dangerous.

cue card

Avian...Swine...who's the next lucky animal?

2010-01-26T18:27:00.004-07:00

Is anyone else as excited as I am to see which new pandemic-sensation will be sweeping the nation next, causing everyone to eagerly rush out for the latest and greatest must-have shot? (Don't walk, RUN to your nearest "pharmaceutical company benefiting" location!)

I am thinking The Canine Virus. Or perhaps some form of Aquatic Flu...place your bets below!

Diary Excerpt 1: Birds on Fire

2010-01-23T22:42:00.008-07:00

Back story: I volunteer and a songbird lab where my only job is to feed worms to birds.

Thursday. January 7, 2008

Had to go to lab safety training seminar yesterday that mainly compromised of fire safety and chemical spill clean-up. I had to watch DVD’s* about the same thing. I am not really sure why I need to know this for feeding birds. Do the birds occasionally crap acid? Or have they gotten into the habit of spontaneously combusting during random intervals throughout the day? In which case they didn’t even tell me which type of fire extinguisher would be best for a feathery-friend related fire. Class A, perhaps?

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*Admittedly, the DVDs were interesting and educational. And yea, I know why I had to learn that - I am not working with chemicals but others near by might be and it's better to be safe than sorry and bla bla bla.

Suggest a Book (Warning: Contains OED & Bible spoilers)

2010-01-20T23:47:00.002-07:00

For the past few month I have been immersed in the most fantastic of books - The Oxford English Dictionary. I was up to "d", everything was going well, I was quite happy to just sit and read peacefully to myself until SOMEONE had to go and spoil the ending for me (zythum, apparently). Naturally, knowing the ending made me immediately lose all interest in reading it. This is worse then the time I was told Jesus dies before I got a chance to finish the Bible. God are some people inconsiderate...!

Anyway, I need a new book to read - suggestions?

I blog, therefor I am.

2010-01-19T22:27:00.006-07:00

I know everyone is dying to know what goes on in that head of mine so I decided to bless you all with a blog. I shall be posting excerpts from my diary, some of my facebook notes, and other completely pointless stuff. You don't wanna miss it!

FAQ

Why do you have an FAQ for a blog? That's stupid.
Yes it is.