Real Things I've Said to Guys

If I had to choose between you and a miniature lap giraffe, I would consider you for a good couple of hours before going with the miniature lap giraffe.

I love your face so much I want to peel it off and wear it as my own.

If you had a van full of candy, I would not hesitate to get in.

You are what magic smells like.

You are more precious to me than the ring was to Gollum.

I think you would taste good, like pineapples and sunshine and despair.

Out all the people I stalk, you are by far the 9th most interesting.

Sometimes I sneak into your house to sniff your pillow.

You look like you are in psychological state of content when you enter Morpheus's realm.

And so Zeus said onto Michelangelo "Ye shall take that marble yonder, the marble of the Gods, and ye shall mold us something spiffy." And so it was that your face came to be.

You look like you would be ok at angry sex.

I think we need to run away together to sing songs and grow oranges and be merry.

I have a voodoo doll of you. I lick its face every Tuesday.

I think of you when I touch my hair.

Would you like to hear the names I picked out for our children?

I love you like a necrophiliac loves an open casket.

I feel comfortable committing murder for you.

You must be stage 3 syphilis, 'cause I can't get you out of my head.

Every time you smile, God revives a kitten he killed every time someone masturbated.

When we're apart, I miss you more than a stormtrooper misses his target.

One of my favourite hobbies is taking pictures of you with my phone when you're not looking and then photoshoping out all of your many, many flaws.

Geek it up!

Are you bored? Do you have nothing to do? Do you resort to spending your days having philosophical debates with your plants? Then it's time to embrace your inner geek and try these 15 fun-filled activities!

15. Do calculus.

What you need: Some calculus problems.

Pluses: Realizing you're so smart, you can do calculus.

Possible drawbacks: Realizing you’re so stupid, you can’t do calculus.

14. Read comic books. 

What you need: Comic books. Love of reading.

Pluses: Acquiring a comic book collection. And if you're a guy, not only does it give you a sense of achievement but the ladies love it.

Possible drawbacks: Paper cuts.

13. Have a Star Trek marathon. 

What you need: Star Trek on DVD, digitally remastered. Or a friend who has Star Trek on DVD, digitally remastered.

Pluses: Helps you brush up on you Klingon.

Possible drawbacks: Sitting too close to the TV → blindness → never being able to see another Star Trek episode/movie ever again.

12. Reenact fight scenes from Lord of the Rings with weapons made from cardboard. 

What you need: Cardboard. Duct tape.

Pluses: You can tape it and put it up on YouTube.

Possible drawbacks: Having to read YouTube comments.

11. Think up your own superhero complete with awesome powers and a storyline that would fit into the Marvel Universe. 

What you need: Some knowledge of the Marvel Universe. Creativity.

Pluses: You can live vicariously through your hero or heroine.

Possible drawbacks: Not having your hero/heroine accepted, leading you to depression and a questioning of your own self-worth.

10. Have a whole conversation in binary.

What you need: 0100101101101110011011110111011101101100011001010110010001100111011001010010000001101111011001100010000001100010011010010110111001100001011100100111100100101110

Pluses: 0101100101101111011101010010000001110011011011110111010101101110011001000010000001100011011011110110111101101100011001010111001000101110
Possible drawbacks: 01000011011011110110111001110110011001010111001001110011011000010111010001101001011011110110111001110011001000000111010001100101011011100110010000100000011101000110111100100000011101000110000101101011011001010010000001101100011011110110111001100111011001010111001000101110

9. Attend a Renaissance faire. 

What you need: A city cool enough to have Renaissance faires. A costume.

Pluses: You get to wear a costume.

Possible drawbacks: Having have to eat haggis.

8. Memorize all the lines to Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

What you need: The movie.

Pluses: You can amaze your friends with your impressive knowledge. You can also make such fun challenges for yourself as speaking only in Monty Python lines and seeing how long it takes before your friends are annoyed that you're speaking only in Monty Python lines.

Possible drawbacks: Having your friends annoyed that you're speaking only in Monty Python lines.

7. Play World of Warcraft.

What you need: The Internet. A parent's basement. A desire to waste countless hours of your life.

Pluses: None.

Possible drawbacks: Realizing you're playing WoW.

6. Play Dungeons and Dragons.

What you need: Dice. Friends.

Pluses: It's slightly less embarrassing than WoW.

Possible drawbacks: Realizing you don't have friends.

5. Play video or computer games.

What you need: Video or computer games.

Pluses: Trains your hand-eye coordination and/or strategy skills.

Possible drawbacks: Carpal tunnel syndrome.

4. Build a robot or make your very own AI.

What you need: Knowledge of what you need to build a robot or AI.

Pluses: With a bit of practice, you can eventually create an AI so powerful it becomes self-aware.

Possible drawbacks: The now self-aware AI enslaves you.

3. Pretend you’re a wizard for a day.

What you need: No aversion to annoying the f*** out of everyone. (Optional) Cloak and wizard hat.

Pluses: If you get a hat - pointy hat trick!

Drawbacks: Being "that guy" that does the pointy hat trick.

2. Watch Spider Man 3 and write down all the plot-holes and inaccuracies. Then blog about it angrily. 

What you need: Paper. Writing utensil. Blog. Lots of pent up anger.

Pluses: You can finally release your indignation and feel a little better.

Possible drawbacks: Being a blogger.

1. Dress up into your favourite Star Wars characters and do some role-playing in the bedroom. In fact, if you haven’t done this one yet you can’t really call yourself a true geek.

What you need: At least one other person, you can have more (the more the merrier). Imagination!

Pluses: Being able to act out all your wild, geeky fantasies.

Possible Drawbacks: None come to mind.

Post Graduation Plans

These are listed in order from the most likely to the least likely.

1. Become a Criminal Mastermind.
2. Write a New York Times Best Seller.
3. Marry Adrien Brody.

4. Live in my parents’ basement and become the greatest WoW player the world has ever seen.
5. Get a sex change in order to join the Freemasonry.
6. World Domination.
7. Alchemy. (The art of turning something shiny into something even shinier.)
8. Grad school.
9. Fulfill my childhood dream of becoming a giraffe farmer when I grow up.
10. Work at a respectable job like some sort of normal person.

Things I wish I invented first.

21. The Wheel
20. Tinfoil
19. Beer
18. Bubblewrap
17. Harry Potter
16. Clocks
15. Facebook
14. The Interrobang
13. Floss
12. Calculus
11. Mirrors
10. Blogging
9. Religion
8. The Violin
7. New Zealanders
6. Quantum Mechanics
5. Duct Tape
4. Chess
3. Spellcheck
2. Giraffes
1. This Knife Holder: