Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Pineapples, sunshine, and despair.

I've sent these emails to a former prof:

Thu, 24 Mar 2011 5:12 pm
I am just emailing you to let you know you that if I should ever descend into madness
because of too much stress from school work and get put into a mental institution and
then ran away after 6 month and decide to go on a killing spree to exact my revenge on
the world, I would kill you last.

You're welcome.

Wed, 04 May 2011 7:28 pm
I have a lot of fond memories of being in your class. My favourite is when I would
completely tune you out and think about unicorns. If unicorns existed, naturally unicorn
jousting would exist as well. I think you would have made a fine unicorn jouster. People
would come watch your unicorn jousting and say "that guy is a fine unicorn jouster." Of
course you wouldn't be the best unicorn jouster so you would still have to keep your day

Sat, 21 May 2011 6:11 pm
Cookies also make my day better
It was nice running into you yesterday. The days that I see you always become up to
0.018% better, sometimes. I remember I was really sad once and I thought “You know what would make this day up to 0.018% better, probably? Seeing him.” But I did not see you and my day did not become up to 0.018% better. Don’t worry though, I forgave you.

I'd like to think that if we just met randomly we would have become quick friends, like
the kind that plan to write a comic book together but never get around to it because
they're lazy and procrastinate. When we would get together to congregate you would laugh at my storyline and I would laugh at your attempts of drawing and you would laugh that someone under the age of 70 uses the word "congregate".

Sun, 12 Jun 2011 4:36 pm
Sometimes when I walk on campus in the evenings when it's dark and deserted I like to
pretend we all live in a post-apocalyptic world overrun by zombies, every day a fight for
survival. I'd like to think I would be able to survive fairly well for a while.

Eventually of course I would trip and fall on my face whilst a zombie is chasing me, get
bit, and turn into a zombie myself. After I get turned into a zombie I would come find
you because I’d like to eat you. I think you would taste good, like pineapples and
sunshine and despair.

Tue, 09 Aug 2011 11:14 pm
I’m currently watching a show about a carnival and it makes me sad that the carnival
doesn’t come to town anymore. I mean we have stuff like the circus and Capital Ex but
it’s just not the same. There isn’t that aura of strangeness and that sense of wonder
that makes you feel like a kid again. Only a carnival can do that. I think it is tragic
that people can’t get their cards read and their future foretold, can’t ogle the bearded
lady and watch some guy deep-throat a sword, can’t throw rocks at other people’s children who are being too loud...can’t do all of these things in one wonderful, magical place. Tragic.

After I find a stable, well paying job with my Arts degree I think I’m going to save up
money to revive the carnival. I'm writing you to let you know that if you should ever
grow weary of the idleness of a “normal” life, you would be more than welcome to join my carnival. I am positive that you would make a splendid carnie (with a bit of training, of course)!

Wed, 10 Aug 2011 09:36 am
I want a giraffe
Speaking of Capital EX, did you go this year? I did. I ended up with a sunburn and about $97.50 less in my pocket. Basically, ‘twas awesome. There is nothing I love more than going on a good ride. I especially enjoyed the upside down ones. Although it doesn’t really feel like you’re going upside down, it feels like the rest of the world is. It’s not you that’s spinning; it’s everything and everyone else. Funny how our perception can sometimes make it feel like the world revolves around us.

The only thing that could have made that day better was giraffes. And maybe if there was less people. I don’t like people.

Wed, 10 Aug 2011 12:11 pm
Raisins are the crocs of the food world
Someone offered me chocolate-covered raisins yesterday. Needless to say, the person and I are no longer friends. I imagine the thought process of the first person to eat a raisin was something along the lines of “Instead of eating this beautiful, delicious fruit that the angels call ‘grape’ in the natural way that God intended it to be eaten, I shall leave it out in the sun to dry up and die. Then I can feast on its carcass like some sort of wild, deranged animal.” Or maybe I am wrong, maybe it was simply “This looks like rat droppings; I think I’ll eat it.” Either way, I shall never understand the rational behind raisins. Nevertheless, I would probably eat a few raisins for you to show that we are friends. Probably.

 He still hasn't asked me out, what am I doing wrong?


Darv said...

You're fucked in the head, girl.

Anastasia said...

Thanks, I try.

Anonymous said...

omg love you

Doot said...

This professor probably gets thousands of emails like that everyday, you need to make it stand out.

Send a fax or some shit.

Doot said...

As a figure of speech. Or not. What do i care.

Anonymous said...

You've made my day. I love the way your brain works!! Brilliant!

Michael Petranech said...

I think I Love you. What a wonderful sense of humor. Between you and David Thorn I hardly get any work done anymore. Not that I want to get work done. Well that's because I don't. So if you ever want to date please give me a call. We will not go to a place that serves raisins.

Anastasia said...

I'd love a date. We can go to dollorama and buy balloons!