Pineapples, sunshine, and despair. Pt.2

Part 1

From: Anastasia

Date: July 28, 2015

Subject: Night Vale

Sorry I have not written in a while, but I have been pretty busy the past few years with things like grad school, job hunting, Santeria, Netflix, making somebody love me, looking up pictures of baby giraffes, and for one brief moment considering getting into quiling but eventually deciding against it. Lately, I've been listening to a neat podcast called Welcome to Night Vale. I don't know if you've ever heard it, but there is a character on there named Carlos and he immediately reminded me of your existence. Based on Carlos' description in this neat podcast I think you'd look like him if you just wore a lab coat, grew out your hair, and looked completely different in every single way.

I am thinking of starting my own podcast about life in Canada and the delicate art of warming an igloo. Would you like to be a voice actor on it? I hope not, because I already have someone in mind. But if he falls through, I have two other backup people in mind. If you have igloo warming experience and are interested in writing for my podcast, let me know by whispering into a tapped phone. And if you have baby giraffe pictures, send them. SEND THEM AT ONCE

From: Anastasia

Date: September 3, 2015

Subject: Psychics

I had an interesting encounter with a psychic today. She said "Would you like your future read?" and I said "No, thank you." and then she said "Ok have a nice day."

I am not sure if I believe in the whole fate ordeal. I mean, I know we were clearly always meant to be the good friends that we are now, but other than that I'd like to think we create our own futures. Sad, disappointing futures.

From: Anastasia

Date: September 3, 2015

Subject: Bucket List

Wooden

Metal

Plastic

Ceremonial

Mop

Excavator

Pail

From: Anastasia

Date: October 21, 2015

Subject: Note

I went by your office the other day and left a post-it note on your door. I did not leave an actual note on the post-it note because I feel that we understand each other in such a way, that words are not necessary. Feel free to use the post-it note to write your own note on it, or keep it as a comforting reminder that I occasionally come to your door and press my ear against it to listen to you breathing, then quietly leave without alerting you to my presence. On Tuesdays, weather permitting, I also watch you from the shadows as you walk to class. You have an excellent gait - but I'm sure you hear that all the time.

From: Anastasia

Date: January 16, 2016

Subject: Poke

I messaged my friend on facebook the other day and he did not reply so I "poked" him. He still has not replied but he has "poked" me back. So now I have to find out where he lives and go to his house. The only problem is, I am not sure which small dead animal to leave on his doorstep. Birds signify love. Mice signify friendship. A squirrel means you are ready to become that crime fighting duo you always talked about. But which one would signify "hey I see you have been active on FB but have not replied to me. Is everything ok? Maybe when you have some time we can go for brinner and talk about what bastards our last employer was, am I right? Haha. Anyway, thinking of you. Give me a shout when you can. K bye."?

From: Him

Subject: Re: Poke

Date: January 16, 2016

I do not wish to have any contact, now or in the future. If you try to contact me, I will consider it harassment and take legal action.

From: Anastasia

Subject: Re: Poke

Date: January 22, 2016

I am unfamiliar with that type of animal…

20 Signs Someone Likes You

1. They smile when they see you.

2. They fidget nervously with their hands.

3. They always find a reason to touch you.

4. They laugh a lot around you.

5. They make jokes about you dating or having a future together (jokes are a safe way to express real desires.)

6. They compliment you.

7. They bring you sweets.

8. They can't stop staring at you.

9. They try to smell you.

10. They text/message you at least 10 times a day.

11. They find excuses to come see you at work.

12. They talk about you with everyone.

13. They take pictures of you when you aren't looking.

14. They printed one of those pictures and keep it under their pillow.

15. They gift you a lock of their hair.

16. They sent a friend request to all of your Facebook friends.

17. They draw pictures of what they think your future kids might look like.

18. They know your address even before you tell it to them.

19. They left a small dead animal on your doorstep to show they care.

20. Sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night to find them there, in your bedroom, watching you sleep.

Horror Story Excerpt

This place, so strange and unreal...the air is constantly moving and shifting and the light is far too bright. The people are staring; I don't belong here. I want to go back. Leave this place and never return. I am forced to come here, to endure this day after day. And yet it is always unfamiliar. Always foreign. Always hell.

- from Anastasia's Tales of Going Outside

Song 5: Little Lying Man

(To the tune of Little Lion Man)

Weep for yourself, my man,
You'll never be living here again
Weep, little lying man,
You're not as sly as you were at the start
Caught you steal and caught you lie
Take all the stuff that you have left

Get the hell out of here and don’t come back or I’ll take off your head

But it was not your booze but mine

Oh yes, you stepped quite out of line

You’re really moving out this time

Don’t you touch my beer

Don’t you touch my beer

Tremble for yourself, my man,

You know that I have caught you steal before
Tremble, little lying man,
I’ll be changing the lock upon my door
Your face isn’t wanted in this place,
Your stupid mess has made this home a wreck
Now leave from this house or else spend your days worrying for your neck

But it was not your booze but mine

Oh yes, you stepped quite out of line

You’re really moving out this time

Don’t you touch my beer

But it was not your booze but mine

Oh yes, you stepped quite out of line

You’re really moving out this time

Don’t you touch my beer

Don’t you touch my beer

[harmonizing]

But it was not your booze but mine

Oh yes, you stepped quite out of line

You’re really moving out this time

Don’t you touch my beer

But it was not your booze but mine

Oh yes, you stepped quite out of line

You’re really moving out this time

Don’t you touch my beer

Don’t you touch my beer

Real Things I've Said to Guys

If I had to choose between you and a miniature lap giraffe, I would consider you for a good couple of hours before going with the miniature lap giraffe.

I love your face so much I want to peel it off and wear it as my own.

If you had a van full of candy, I would not hesitate to get in.

You are what magic smells like.

You are more precious to me than the ring was to Gollum.

I think you would taste good, like pineapples and sunshine and despair.

Out all the people I stalk, you are by far the 9th most interesting.

Sometimes I sneak into your house to sniff your pillow.

You look like you are in psychological state of content when you enter Morpheus's realm.

And so Zeus said onto Michelangelo "Ye shall take that marble yonder, the marble of the Gods, and ye shall mold us something spiffy." And so it was that your face came to be.

You look like you would be ok at angry sex.

I think we need to run away together to sing songs and grow oranges and be merry.

I have a voodoo doll of you. I lick its face every Tuesday.

I think of you when I touch my hair.

Would you like to hear the names I picked out for our children?

I love you like a necrophiliac loves an open casket.

I feel comfortable committing murder for you.

You must be stage 3 syphilis, 'cause I can't get you out of my head.

Every time you smile, God revives a kitten he killed every time someone masturbated.

When we're apart, I miss you more than a stormtrooper misses his target.

One of my favourite hobbies is taking pictures of you with my phone when you're not looking and then photoshoping out all of your many, many flaws.

Pineapples, sunshine, and despair.

I've sent these emails to a former prof:

Date:	Thu, 24 Mar 2011 5:12 pm
Subject:	Hello!
I am just emailing you to let you know you that if I should ever descend into madness because of too much stress from school work and get put into a mental institution and then ran away after 6 month and decide to go on a killing spree to exact my revenge on the world, I would kill you last. You're welcome.

Date:	Wed, 04 May 2011 7:28 pm
Subject:	memories
I have a lot of fond memories of being in your class. My favourite is when I would completely tune you out and think about unicorns. If unicorns existed, naturally unicorn jousting would exist as well. I think you would have made a fine unicorn jouster. People would come watch your unicorn jousting and say "that guy is a fine unicorn jouster." Of course you wouldn't be the best unicorn jouster so you would still have to keep your day job.

Date:	Sat, 21 May 2011 6:11 pm
Subject:	Cookies also make my day better
It was nice running into you yesterday. The days that I see you always become up to 0.018% better, sometimes. I remember I was really sad once and I thought “You know what would make this day up to 0.018% better, probably? Seeing him.” But I did not see you and my day did not become up to 0.018% better. Don’t worry though, I forgave you. I'd like to think that if we just met randomly we would have become quick friends, like the kind that plan to write a comic book together but never get around to it because they're lazy and procrastinate. When we would get together to congregate you would laugh at my storyline and I would laugh at your attempts of drawing and you would laugh that someone under the age of 70 uses the word "congregate".

Date:	Sun, 12 Jun 2011 4:36 pm
Subject:	brains
Sometimes when I walk on campus in the evenings when it's dark and deserted I like to pretend we all live in a post-apocalyptic world overrun by zombies, every day a fight for survival. I'd like to think I would be able to survive fairly well for a while. Eventually of course I would trip and fall on my face whilst a zombie is chasing me, get bit, and turn into a zombie myself. After I get turned into a zombie I would come find you because I’d like to eat you. I think you would taste good, like pineapples and sunshine and despair. Date:  Tue, 09 Aug 2011 11:14 pm Subject:  Carnivàle I’m currently watching a show about a carnival and it makes me sad that the carnival doesn’t come to town anymore. I mean we have stuff like the circus and Capital Ex but it’s just not the same. There isn’t that aura of strangeness and that sense of wonder that makes you feel like a kid again. Only a carnival can do that. I think it is tragic that people can’t get their cards read and their future foretold, can’t ogle the bearded lady and watch some guy deep-throat a sword, can’t throw rocks at other people’s children who are being too loud...can’t do all of these things in one wonderful, magical place. Tragic. After I find a stable, well paying job with my Arts degree I think I’m going to save up money to revive the carnival. I'm writing you to let you know that if you should ever grow weary of the idleness of a “normal” life, you would be more than welcome to join my carnival. I am positive that you would make a splendid carnie (with a bit of training, of course)! Date:  Wed, 10 Aug 2011 09:36 am Subject:  I want a giraffe Speaking of Capital EX, did you go this year? I did. I ended up with a sunburn and about $97.50 less in my pocket. Basically, ‘twas awesome. There is nothing I love more than going on a good ride. I especially enjoyed the upside down ones. Although it doesn’t really feel like you’re going upside down, it feels like the rest of the world is. It’s not you that’s spinning; it’s everything and everyone else. Funny how our perception can sometimes make it feel like the world revolves around us. The only thing that could have made that day better was giraffes. And maybe if there was less people. I don’t like people.
Date:	Wed, 10 Aug 2011 12:11 pm
Subject:	Raisins are the crocs of the food world
Someone offered me chocolate-covered raisins yesterday. Needless to say, the person and I are no longer friends. I imagine the thought process of the first person to eat a raisin was something along the lines of “Instead of eating this beautiful, delicious fruit that the angels call ‘grape’ in the natural way that God intended it to be eaten, I shall leave it out in the sun to dry up and die. Then I can feast on its carcass like some sort of wild, deranged animal.” Or maybe I am wrong, maybe it was simply “This looks like rat droppings; I think I’ll eat it.” Either way, I shall never understand the rational behind raisins. Nevertheless, I would probably eat a few raisins for you to show that we are friends. Probably.

 He still hasn't asked me out, what am I doing wrong?

Safety Announcement

Welcome to the Internet. Please keep your back in a slouched position and your brain off at all times. In the unlikely event that your computer stops working, your cell phone may be used as an emergency surfing device. In the case of a sudden drop in entertainment, memes will descend onto your networks. Spread the memes. If you are surfing with a small child or with a person in need of assistance, spread the memes on your blogs and twitter first before assisting them with theirs. Emergency exit is located on the power button on your computer. We hope you have a pleasant stay and we thank you for choosing us as the means of wasting your time.