Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Song 2: Favourite Things

Wilting black roses and strangling kittens
Bright copper weapons and dirty ol' mittens
Evil debauchery tied up with sins
These are a few of my favourite things

Torturing ponies and killing off poodles
Feeding kids bitter and poisonous noodles
Wild geese attempting flight with broken wings
These are a few of my favourite things

Girls in torn dresses with deep bloody gashes
Fire that burns off my nose and eyelashes
Acidic substance that melts into skins
These are a few of my favourite things

When I get caught
Cheating on you
When I'm feeling sad
I simply steal some of my favourite things
And then I don't feel so bad

Monday, July 19, 2010

The Problem of Problem Solving

For the past 6 months I have been observing people in their natural environment, the Internet, to study how they respond to and resolve various problems that arise in their community. After crunching the numbers of my scientific findings using scientific methods I have come to the scientific conclusion that most people choose between two courses of action:

Choice A:
  1. Complain about it.
  2. Complain that no one is doing anything about it.
  3. Complain that there are too many people complaining.
  4. Contemplate doing something about it.
  5. Procrastinate.
  6. Actually do something about it.
99% of people never get past stage 3.
99.6% of people never get past stage 5.

Choice B:
  1. Ignore it.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Failbook


Facebook keeps suggesting I “reconnect” with one of my friends. It’s always the same friend (is fb trying to hint at something?) and it’s always the same boring suggestions: “Say hello. Write on his wall. Share the latest news. Etc.” It made me realize how boring and sometimes downright unrealistic facebook can be with its limited suggestions and categories. So I thought up of a few things that can make it better. Let’s start with the whole reconnecting thing. Things I feel need to be added:


Cyberstalk her.

Creep his wall.

Make inappropriate comments on her pictures.

Send him a private message lined with subtle innuendos and see if he catches on.

Meet up in person and actually talk face-to-face...just kidding, write on his wall.


In the “Interested In” section there is Women and Men. Not only is this speciest, but let’s face it – it’s prejudice against intersexuals. Where is their category? Where is the justice? (The same problem exists where fb asks you to define your sex.) Things I feel need to be added:


Intersexuals.

Ladyboys.

Aliens.

People with a three digit IQ.


Things I feel need to be added to Relationship Status:


Being suffocated by _________

Constantly fantasizing about _________

Started dating ______ but am waiting for her to change the relationship status first so I don’t seem needy.


Things I feel need to be added to “Looking for”:


Minions.

Twitter followers.

Acquaintances I can borrow money from.

The Holy Grail (Thanks to Leah for this one).

FarmVille neighbors.

Random people I want to add just to make my friends list look bigger.


I think we all know people who are looking for the last category…you know the ones I’m talking about, those people who have over 1000 “friends” with the list growing everyday. The people who always have “Fred McFriendly just became friends with Another Random” as their latest activity no matter what time of the day you click on their profile. I will never understand why someone would add people they never spoke to in real life so they can never speak to them online. If one medium of not-speaking is not enough, why stop there? Why not send this person an email with nothing, leave an empty message on their answering machine, send a blank piece of paper through snail mail?


This is also one of the things about fb privacy settings that bugs me…one of many things (fb privacy settings have been going downhill ever since they announced that all our content are belong to them). Things I feel should be added to who can “send me a friend request”:


No one


Finally, I feel that the “People You May Know” section should be renamed “A collection of random people, some of which you happen to have a friend or two in common with, and only about 5% - at best - of whom you may actually know.”

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Follow me on Twitter, stalk me in real life.


Lately, I've been feeling that spending 10.3 hours online everyday is just not enough - it's still borderline healthy. So I decided to add Twitter to my list of important cyber activities. http://twitter.com/the_anastasia Come watch me try to be witty in 140 characters or less. ("Just a sec, I have to go harvest my crops in Farmville.” is just not something that should ever be uttered during sex., Everyday should be Canada Day., etc.)

Speaking of Canada Day, it's Canada Day! Happy Canada Day! I think the Arrogant Worms say it best: "We won't say that we're better, it's just that we're less worse."