Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Short Short-Story 2: Confessions of a Crazy Cat Lady


Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Pineapples, sunshine, and despair.

I've sent these emails to a former prof:



Date: 
Thu, 24 Mar 2011 5:12 pm
Subject: 
Hello!
I am just emailing you to let you know you that if I should ever descend into madness
because of too much stress from school work and get put into a mental institution and
then ran away after 6 month and decide to go on a killing spree to exact my revenge on
the world, I would kill you last.

You're welcome.


Date: 
Wed, 04 May 2011 7:28 pm
Subject: 
memories
I have a lot of fond memories of being in your class. My favourite is when I would
completely tune you out and think about unicorns. If unicorns existed, naturally unicorn
jousting would exist as well. I think you would have made a fine unicorn jouster. People
would come watch your unicorn jousting and say "that guy is a fine unicorn jouster." Of
course you wouldn't be the best unicorn jouster so you would still have to keep your day
job.


Date: 
Sat, 21 May 2011 6:11 pm
Subject: 
Cookies also make my day better
It was nice running into you yesterday. The days that I see you always become up to
0.018% better, sometimes. I remember I was really sad once and I thought “You know what would make this day up to 0.018% better, probably? Seeing him.” But I did not see you and my day did not become up to 0.018% better. Don’t worry though, I forgave you.

I'd like to think that if we just met randomly we would have become quick friends, like
the kind that plan to write a comic book together but never get around to it because
they're lazy and procrastinate. When we would get together to congregate you would laugh at my storyline and I would laugh at your attempts of drawing and you would laugh that someone under the age of 70 uses the word "congregate".


Date: 
Sun, 12 Jun 2011 4:36 pm
Subject: 
brains
Sometimes when I walk on campus in the evenings when it's dark and deserted I like to
pretend we all live in a post-apocalyptic world overrun by zombies, every day a fight for
survival. I'd like to think I would be able to survive fairly well for a while.

Eventually of course I would trip and fall on my face whilst a zombie is chasing me, get
bit, and turn into a zombie myself. After I get turned into a zombie I would come find
you because I’d like to eat you. I think you would taste good, like pineapples and
sunshine and despair.


Date: 
Tue, 09 Aug 2011 11:14 pm
Subject: 
Carnivàle
I’m currently watching a show about a carnival and it makes me sad that the carnival
doesn’t come to town anymore. I mean we have stuff like the circus and Capital Ex but
it’s just not the same. There isn’t that aura of strangeness and that sense of wonder
that makes you feel like a kid again. Only a carnival can do that. I think it is tragic
that people can’t get their cards read and their future foretold, can’t ogle the bearded
lady and watch some guy deep-throat a sword, can’t throw rocks at other people’s children who are being too loud...can’t do all of these things in one wonderful, magical place. Tragic.

After I find a stable, well paying job with my Arts degree I think I’m going to save up
money to revive the carnival. I'm writing you to let you know that if you should ever
grow weary of the idleness of a “normal” life, you would be more than welcome to join my carnival. I am positive that you would make a splendid carnie (with a bit of training, of course)!


Date: 
Wed, 10 Aug 2011 09:36 am
Subject: 
I want a giraffe
Speaking of Capital EX, did you go this year? I did. I ended up with a sunburn and about $97.50 less in my pocket. Basically, ‘twas awesome. There is nothing I love more than going on a good ride. I especially enjoyed the upside down ones. Although it doesn’t really feel like you’re going upside down, it feels like the rest of the world is. It’s not you that’s spinning; it’s everything and everyone else. Funny how our perception can sometimes make it feel like the world revolves around us.

The only thing that could have made that day better was giraffes. And maybe if there was less people. I don’t like people.


Date: 
Wed, 10 Aug 2011 12:11 pm
Subject: 
Raisins are the crocs of the food world
Someone offered me chocolate-covered raisins yesterday. Needless to say, the person and I are no longer friends. I imagine the thought process of the first person to eat a raisin was something along the lines of “Instead of eating this beautiful, delicious fruit that the angels call ‘grape’ in the natural way that God intended it to be eaten, I shall leave it out in the sun to dry up and die. Then I can feast on its carcass like some sort of wild, deranged animal.” Or maybe I am wrong, maybe it was simply “This looks like rat droppings; I think I’ll eat it.” Either way, I shall never understand the rational behind raisins. Nevertheless, I would probably eat a few raisins for you to show that we are friends. Probably.


 He still hasn't asked me out, what am I doing wrong?

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Safety Announcement

Welcome to the Internet. Please keep your back in a slouched position and your brain off at all times. In the unlikely event that your computer stops working, your cell phone may be used as an emergency surfing device. In the case of a sudden drop in entertainment, memes will descend onto your networks. Spread the memes. If you are surfing with a small child or with a person in need of assistance, spread the memes on your blogs and twitter first before assisting them with theirs. Emergency exit is located on the power button on your computer. We hope you have a pleasant stay and we thank you for choosing us as the means of wasting your time.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Well played, Google, well played.

I can't find it!
Yes please!
Either they are real and Jesus used them as a means of transport, or they're fake and the CIA made them up.
They may be microwaves, but at least they're not purple.
As a giraffe fan, I find this disheartening.
"Damn it, man, I'm an astronaut not a fish inspector."
The end is nigh.
What else do they have to do all day?
"Whee!"
Numbers are sexy.
Jesus is my magical homeboy who's kind of a jerk.
Return of the Jedi: Under the Sea Edition.
The evil, godlike utensils of Satan.
Beware.
I'm getting hungry.
This has been helpful.
The dark is scary.
But dragons are scarier.
They really are. (If you're a professor I don't mean you, I mean those other professors...)
I've always wanted a Canadian to call my own.
First they make fun of us, then they pretend to be us.
...
He only published one book.
My Weaponized Little Pony™

 This one is my favourite.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Short Short-Story 1: Humming, The

I looked at the hammer in my hand. So, it has come to this. Never could I imagine it ending this way. Despite myself, I started remembering all the good times we've had together, all the laughs and joys he brought me throughout the years. That one Saturday that I spent all day in bed with him. Sometimes, I would even watch him sleep, which admittedly is pretty weird. He was always there for me; whenever I had a question he had an answer. Tears started welling up inside me and one threatened to fall. No, I must be strong. This is the right thing to do. I've been forgiving of his errors for far too long. I am going to serve cold revenge – well maybe more warm than cold, kind of like those leftovers that you try to microwave but can't really get too hot because your microwave is crappy – tonight. I started upstairs to my room, tripping a little on the way, but not even my clumsiness can stop my determination. Unless of course I miss with the hammer which might be a little awkward.

I tiptoe across the hall to my room. Quietly now, we wouldn’t want to alarm. I get to my door and open it slowly; it makes a horrible creaking sound that I was going to get fixed but didn’t because I was busy. Hammer behind my back, I step inside.

“Hello,” I say, walking up closer, “fine night tonight, isn’t it?”

No reply. I stand there for a moment, It’s a Fine Day by Opus III going through my mind as I wonder if the song will be stuck in my head for the rest of the day. I remember this one time I had Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head stuck in my head and all I could remember was that one line, just over and over – “raindrops keep falling on my head, raindrops keep falling on my head...” It was thanks to him I first heard these songs and was able to be annoyed by them. It was thanks to him I first heard a lot of songs. He introduced me to so much music. Maybe I am wrong after all? Maybe there is hope for us yet?

He starts to hum. A gentle if annoying sound. I know he is thinking hard about something, he always hums when thinking hard. What could he possibly be thinking about now, I think. I haven’t given him anything to think about. The humming suddenly stops and I watch him, just sitting there as if nothing is wrong. As if he hasn’t hurt me so badly that it hurts. As if he hasn’t robbed me of two years of my life that I shall never get back. No, there is no hope left. Just then the hammer slips out of my hand and falls with a clank to the floor. Oops. I pick it up quickly and before he has time to react I strike. Again and again...and again for good measure.

It is done. I look at the rubble I have created. Never again will he swallow a thesis paper I have been working on for two years. Never again will I have to hear that hellish humming sound followed by an array of error messages. It is done. I go back downstairs and eat some warm leftovers. I should get a new microwave.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Poetry Corner 3

Old Man

He is sitting by the windows, staring out towards the world
As it moves about without him and his memories take hold
While it gives him bitter pleasure to remember what he had
All the things that brought him joy now only serve to drive him mad

He remembers youth and beauty, he remembers his guitar
He remembers smiling faces as he sang about the stars
He gets lost in all his thoughts, windows reflect his empty stare
He remembers when he mattered, when the world would give a care

Memories tell him their stories of when he made love to her
Passion and her face were vivid, the rest of the room a blur
There they laid by his fireplace, fingers entwined in other’s hair
Her soft arms are now replaced with the hard ones upon his chair

On the mantel sits his clock, it ticks away on its gold base
Time then seemed so full of promise, now cobwebs cover its face
Life may start out different, unique to everyone their flame
At the end however, it will end for all the same

Idle days he spends alone, with such grim longing for the past
Thinks he now about his bones – how long they’ll take to turn to dust
And how long he will be mourned before forever he’s forgot
Slouching down on his cold chair, he thinks dead flesh is quick to rot

Sadness heavy on his eyelids, his eyes close for the last time
Yearning takes away his breath; the cobwebbed clock gives out a chime
With his name as his companion he is laid into the ground
As the living throw the soil, their silent tears don’t make a sound


(Inspired by Mount Wroclai)

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Geek it up!

Are you bored? Do you have nothing to do? Do you resort to spending your days having philosophical debates with your plants? Then it's time to embrace your inner geek and try these 15 fun-filled activities!

15. Do calculus.
What you need: Some calculus problems.
Pluses: Realizing you're so smart, you can do calculus.
Possible drawbacks: Realizing youre so stupid, you cant do calculus.

14. Read comic books. 
What you need: Comic books. Love of reading.
Pluses: Acquiring a comic book collection. And if you're a guy, not only does it give you a sense of achievement but the ladies love it.
Possible drawbacks: Paper cuts.

13. Have a Star Trek marathon. 
What you need: Star Trek on DVD, digitally remastered. Or a friend who has Star Trek on DVD, digitally remastered.
Pluses: Helps you brush up on you Klingon.
Possible drawbacks: Sitting too close to the TV → blindness → never being able to see another Star Trek episode/movie ever again.


12. Reenact fight scenes from Lord of the Rings with weapons made from cardboard. 
What you need: Cardboard. Duct tape.
Pluses: You can tape it and put it up on YouTube.
Possible drawbacks: Having to read YouTube comments.

11. Think up your own superhero complete with awesome powers and a storyline that would fit into the Marvel Universe. 
What you need: Some knowledge of the Marvel Universe. Creativity.
Pluses: You can live vicariously through your hero or heroine.
Possible drawbacks: Not having your hero/heroine accepted, leading you to depression and a questioning of your own self-worth.

10. Have a whole conversation in binary.
What you need: 0100101101101110011011110111011101101100011001010110010001100111011001010010000001101111011001100010000001100010011010010110111001100001011100100111100100101110
Pluses: 0101100101101111011101010010000001110011011011110111010101101110011001000010000001100011011011110110111101101100011001010111001000101110
Possible drawbacks: 01000011011011110110111001110110011001010111001001110011011000010111010001101001011011110110111001110011001000000111010001100101011011100110010000100000011101000110111100100000011101000110000101101011011001010010000001101100011011110110111001100111011001010111001000101110

9. Attend a Renaissance faire. 
What you need: A city cool enough to have Renaissance faires. A costume.
Pluses: You get to wear a costume.
Possible drawbacks: Having have to eat haggis.

8. Memorize all the lines to Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
What you need: The movie.
Pluses: You can amaze your friends with your impressive knowledge. You can also make such fun challenges for yourself as speaking only in Monty Python lines and seeing how long it takes before your friends are annoyed that you're speaking only in Monty Python lines.
Possible drawbacks: Having your friends annoyed that you're speaking only in Monty Python lines.

7. Play World of Warcraft.
What you need: The Internet. A parent's basement. A desire to waste countless hours of your life.
Pluses: None.
Possible drawbacks: Realizing you're playing WoW.

6. Play Dungeons and Dragons.
What you need: Dice. Friends.
Pluses: It's slightly less embarrassing than WoW.
Possible drawbacks: Realizing you don't have friends.

5. Play video or computer games.
What you need: Video or computer games.
Pluses: Trains your hand-eye coordination and/or strategy skills.
Possible drawbacks: Carpal tunnel syndrome.

4. Build a robot or make your very own AI.
What you need: Knowledge of what you need to build a robot or AI.
Pluses: With a bit of practice, you can eventually create an AI so powerful it becomes self-aware.
Possible drawbacks: The now self-aware AI enslaves you.




3. Pretend you’re a wizard for a day.
What you need: No aversion to annoying the f*** out of everyone. (Optional) Cloak and wizard hat.
Pluses: If you get a hat - pointy hat trick!
Drawbacks: Being "that guy" that does the pointy hat trick.

2. Watch Spider Man 3 and write down all the plot-holes and inaccuracies. Then blog about it angrily. 
What you need: Paper. Writing utensil. Blog. Lots of pent up anger.
Pluses: You can finally release your indignation and feel a little better.
Possible drawbacks: Being a blogger.

1. Dress up into your favourite Star Wars characters and do some role-playing in the bedroom. In fact, if you haven’t done this one yet you can’t really call yourself a true geek.
What you need: At least one other person, you can have more (the more the merrier). Imagination!
Pluses: Being able to act out all your wild, geeky fantasies.
Possible Drawbacks: None come to mind.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Most Powerful Thing

This post is dedicated to Valentine's Day which I meant to post then but was 
busy so I didn't but you can go ahead and pretend that I did.


(Background from: http://www.allbackgrounds.com/)

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Do these tweets make me look crazy?

(For non-twitter people: If you like someone's tweet you can "favourite" it, which gives the tweet a gold star. There is also a site, favstar, that shows how many stars each tweet and each person receives. For example: sucittaM's page.)