Wednesday, March 4, 2015

20 Signs Someone Likes You

1. They smile when they see you.

2. They fidget nervously with their hands.

3. They always find a reason to touch you.

4. They laugh a lot around you.

5. They make jokes about you dating or having a future together (jokes are a safe way to express real desires.)

6. They compliment you.

7. They bring you sweets.

8. They can't stop staring at you.

9. They try to smell you.

10. They text/message you at least 10 times a day.

11. They find excuses to come see you at work.

12. They talk about you with everyone.

13. They take pictures of you when you aren't looking.

14. They printed one of those pictures and keep it under their pillow.

15. They gift you a lock of their hair.

16. They sent a friend request to all of your Facebook friends.

17. They draw pictures of what they think your future kids might look like.

18. They know your address even before you tell it to them.

19. They left a small dead animal on your doorstep to show they care.

20. Sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night to find them there, in your bedroom, watching you sleep.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Horror Story Excerpt


This place, so strange and unreal...the air is constantly moving and shifting and the light is far too bright. The people are staring; I don't belong here. I want to go back. Leave this place and never return. I am forced to come here, to endure this day after day. And yet it is always unfamiliar. Always foreign. Always hell.

- from Anastasia's Tales of Going Outside

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Song 5: Little Lying Man

(To the tune of Little Lion Man)

Weep for yourself, my man,
You'll never be living here again
Weep, little lying man,
You're not as sly as you were at the start
Caught you steal and caught you lie
Take all the stuff that you have left
Get the hell out of here and don’t come back or I’ll take off your head

But it was not your booze but mine
Oh yes, you stepped quite out of line
You’re really moving out this time
Don’t you touch my beer
Don’t you touch my beer

Tremble for yourself, my man,
You know that I have caught you steal before
Tremble, little lying man,
I’ll be changing the lock upon my door
Your face isn’t wanted in this place,
Your stupid mess has made this home a wreck
Now leave from this house or else spend your days worrying for your neck

But it was not your booze but mine
Oh yes, you stepped quite out of line
You’re really moving out this time
Don’t you touch my beer

But it was not your booze but mine
Oh yes, you stepped quite out of line
You’re really moving out this time
Don’t you touch my beer
Don’t you touch my beer

[harmonizing]

But it was not your booze but mine
Oh yes, you stepped quite out of line
You’re really moving out this time
Don’t you touch my beer

But it was not your booze but mine
Oh yes, you stepped quite out of line
You’re really moving out this time
Don’t you touch my beer
Don’t you touch my beer

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Poetry Corner 4

why do you cry like you have not a choice
why are you sad like you’re trying to go fix it
digging so deep like you want your own grave
lay in it, sleep, like I’m forcing you to do it
I don’t know what you’re doing
I don’t know what you’re doing

why is your sky oh so gloomy, my sweet?
pain clouds the sun like you need it to be dark now
was it so bright that it’s too much to bear?
darken the light like you think this will be better
I don’t know what you’re thinking
I don’t know what you’re thinking

why do you cry like you had not a choice
why do you hurt like I gave no chance to fix it
out of your mind you don’t know how to deal
why don’t you find an excuse, it’s what you do now…
you don’t know what you’ve done, dear
you don’t know what you’ve done, dear

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Real Things I've Said to Guys

If I had to choose between you and a miniature lap giraffe, I would consider you for a good couple of hours before going with the miniature lap giraffe.

I love your face so much I want to peel it off and wear it as my own.

If you had a van full of candy, I would not hesitate to get in.

You are what magic smells like.

You are more precious to me than the ring was to Gollum.

If you died, I would consider necrophilia.

I think you would taste good, like pineapples and sunshine and despair.

Out all the people I stalk, you are by far the 9th most interesting.

Sometimes I sneak into your house to sniff your pillow.

You look like you are in psychological state of content when you enter Morpheus's realm.

And so Zeus said onto Michelangelo "Ye shall take that marble yonder, the marble of the Gods, and ye shall mold us something spiffy." And so it was that your face came to be.

You look like you would be ok at angry sex.

I think we need to run away together to sing songs and grow oranges and be merry.

I have a voodoo doll of you. I lick its face every Tuesday.

I think of you when I touch my hair.

I wanna be your baby's momma.

Would you like to hear the names I picked out for our children?

I love you like a necrophiliac loves an open casket.

I feel comfortable committing murder for you.

You must be stage 3 syphilis, 'cause I can't get you out of my head.

Everytime you smile, God revives a kitten he killed everytime someone masturbated.

When we're apart, I miss you more than a stormtrooper misses his target.

One of my favourite hobbies is taking pictures of you with my phone when you're not looking and then photoshoping out all of your many, many flaws so you can be just as pretty on the outside.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Short Short-Story 2: Confessions of a Crazy Cat Lady


Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Pineapples, sunshine, and despair.

I've sent these emails to a former prof:



Date: 
Thu, 24 Mar 2011 5:12 pm
Subject: 
Hello!
I am just emailing you to let you know you that if I should ever descend into madness
because of too much stress from school work and get put into a mental institution and
then ran away after 6 month and decide to go on a killing spree to exact my revenge on
the world, I would kill you last.

You're welcome.


Date: 
Wed, 04 May 2011 7:28 pm
Subject: 
memories
I have a lot of fond memories of being in your class. My favourite is when I would
completely tune you out and think about unicorns. If unicorns existed, naturally unicorn
jousting would exist as well. I think you would have made a fine unicorn jouster. People
would come watch your unicorn jousting and say "that guy is a fine unicorn jouster." Of
course you wouldn't be the best unicorn jouster so you would still have to keep your day
job.


Date: 
Sat, 21 May 2011 6:11 pm
Subject: 
Cookies also make my day better
It was nice running into you yesterday. The days that I see you always become up to
0.018% better, sometimes. I remember I was really sad once and I thought “You know what would make this day up to 0.018% better, probably? Seeing him.” But I did not see you and my day did not become up to 0.018% better. Don’t worry though, I forgave you.

I'd like to think that if we just met randomly we would have become quick friends, like
the kind that plan to write a comic book together but never get around to it because
they're lazy and procrastinate. When we would get together to congregate you would laugh at my storyline and I would laugh at your attempts of drawing and you would laugh that someone under the age of 70 uses the word "congregate".


Date: 
Sun, 12 Jun 2011 4:36 pm
Subject: 
brains
Sometimes when I walk on campus in the evenings when it's dark and deserted I like to
pretend we all live in a post-apocalyptic world overrun by zombies, every day a fight for
survival. I'd like to think I would be able to survive fairly well for a while.

Eventually of course I would trip and fall on my face whilst a zombie is chasing me, get
bit, and turn into a zombie myself. After I get turned into a zombie I would come find
you because I’d like to eat you. I think you would taste good, like pineapples and
sunshine and despair.


Date: 
Tue, 09 Aug 2011 11:14 pm
Subject: 
Carnivàle
I’m currently watching a show about a carnival and it makes me sad that the carnival
doesn’t come to town anymore. I mean we have stuff like the circus and Capital Ex but
it’s just not the same. There isn’t that aura of strangeness and that sense of wonder
that makes you feel like a kid again. Only a carnival can do that. I think it is tragic
that people can’t get their cards read and their future foretold, can’t ogle the bearded
lady and watch some guy deep-throat a sword, can’t throw rocks at other people’s children who are being too loud...can’t do all of these things in one wonderful, magical place. Tragic.

After I find a stable, well paying job with my Arts degree I think I’m going to save up
money to revive the carnival. I'm writing you to let you know that if you should ever
grow weary of the idleness of a “normal” life, you would be more than welcome to join my carnival. I am positive that you would make a splendid carnie (with a bit of training, of course)!


Date: 
Wed, 10 Aug 2011 09:36 am
Subject: 
I want a giraffe
Speaking of Capital EX, did you go this year? I did. I ended up with a sunburn and about $97.50 less in my pocket. Basically, ‘twas awesome. There is nothing I love more than going on a good ride. I especially enjoyed the upside down ones. Although it doesn’t really feel like you’re going upside down, it feels like the rest of the world is. It’s not you that’s spinning; it’s everything and everyone else. Funny how our perception can sometimes make it feel like the world revolves around us.

The only thing that could have made that day better was giraffes. And maybe if there was less people. I don’t like people.


Date: 
Wed, 10 Aug 2011 12:11 pm
Subject: 
Raisins are the crocs of the food world
Someone offered me chocolate-covered raisins yesterday. Needless to say, the person and I are no longer friends. I imagine the thought process of the first person to eat a raisin was something along the lines of “Instead of eating this beautiful, delicious fruit that the angels call ‘grape’ in the natural way that God intended it to be eaten, I shall leave it out in the sun to dry up and die. Then I can feast on its carcass like some sort of wild, deranged animal.” Or maybe I am wrong, maybe it was simply “This looks like rat droppings; I think I’ll eat it.” Either way, I shall never understand the rational behind raisins. Nevertheless, I would probably eat a few raisins for you to show that we are friends. Probably.


 He still hasn't asked me out, what am I doing wrong?