Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Pineapples, sunshine, and despair. Pt.2

Part 1

From: Anastasia
Date: July 28, 2015
Subject: Night Vale

Sorry I have not written in a while, but I have been pretty busy the past few years with things like grad school, job hunting, Santeria, Netflix, making somebody love me, looking up pictures of baby giraffes, and for one brief moment considering getting into quiling but eventually deciding against it. Lately, I've been listening to a neat podcast called Welcome to Night Vale. I don't know if you've ever heard it, but there is a character on there named Carlos and he immediately reminded me of your existence. Based on Carlos' description in this neat podcast I think you'd look like him if you just wore a lab coat, grew out your hair, and looked completely different in every single way.

I am thinking of starting my own podcast about life in Canada and the delicate art of warming an igloo. Would you like to be a voice actor on it? I hope not, because I already have someone in mind. But if he falls through, I have two other backup people in mind. If you have igloo warming experience and are interested in writing for my podcast, let me know by whispering into a tapped phone. And if you have baby giraffe pictures, send them. SEND THEM AT ONCE


From: Anastasia
Date: September 3, 2015
Subject: Psychics

I had an interesting encounter with a psychic today. She said "Would you like your future read?" and I said "No, thank you." and then she said "Ok have a nice day."

I am not sure if I believe in the whole fate ordeal. I mean, I know we were clearly always meant to be the good friends that we are now, but other than that I'd like to think we create our own futures. Sad, disappointing futures.


From: Anastasia
Date: September 3, 2015
Subject: Bucket List

Wooden
Metal
Plastic
Ceremonial
Mop
Excavator
Pail


From: Anastasia
Date: October 21, 2015
Subject: Note

I went by your office the other day and left a post-it note on your door. I did not leave an actual note on the post-it note because I feel that we understand each other in such a way, that words are not necessary. Feel free to use the post-it note to write your own note on it, or keep it as a comforting reminder that I occasionally come to your door and press my ear against it to listen to you breathing, then quietly leave without alerting you to my presence. On Tuesdays, weather permitting, I also watch you from the shadows as you walk to class. You have an excellent gait - but I'm sure you hear that all the time.


From: Anastasia
Date: January 16, 2016
Subject: Poke

I messaged my friend on facebook the other day and he did not reply so I "poked" him. He still has not replied but he has "poked" me back. So now I have to find out where he lives and go to his house. The only problem is, I am not sure which small dead animal to leave on his doorstep. Birds signify love. Mice signify friendship. A squirrel means you are ready to become that crime fighting duo you always talked about. But which one would signify "hey I see you have been active on FB but have not replied to me. Is everything ok? Maybe when you have some time we can go for brinner and talk about what bastards our last employer was, am I right? Haha. Anyway, thinking of you. Give me a shout when you can. K bye."?


From: Him
Subject: Re: Poke
Date: January 16, 2016

I do not wish to have any contact, now or in the future. If you try to contact me, I will consider it harassment and take legal action.


From: Anastasia
Subject: Re: Poke
Date: January 22, 2016

I am unfamiliar with that type of animal…

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

20 Signs Someone Likes You

1. They smile when they see you.

2. They fidget nervously with their hands.

3. They always find a reason to touch you.

4. They laugh a lot around you.

5. They make jokes about you dating or having a future together (jokes are a safe way to express real desires.)

6. They compliment you.

7. They bring you sweets.

8. They can't stop staring at you.

9. They try to smell you.

10. They text/message you at least 10 times a day.

11. They find excuses to come see you at work.

12. They talk about you with everyone.

13. They take pictures of you when you aren't looking.

14. They printed one of those pictures and keep it under their pillow.

15. They gift you a lock of their hair.

16. They sent a friend request to all of your Facebook friends.

17. They draw pictures of what they think your future kids might look like.

18. They know your address even before you tell it to them.

19. They left a small dead animal on your doorstep to show they care.

20. Sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night to find them there, in your bedroom, watching you sleep.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Horror Story Excerpt


This place, so strange and unreal...the air is constantly moving and shifting and the light is far too bright. The people are staring; I don't belong here. I want to go back. Leave this place and never return. I am forced to come here, to endure this day after day. And yet it is always unfamiliar. Always foreign. Always hell.

- from Anastasia's Tales of Going Outside

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Song 5: Little Lying Man

(To the tune of Little Lion Man)

Weep for yourself, my man,
You'll never be living here again
Weep, little lying man,
You're not as sly as you were at the start
Caught you steal and caught you lie
Take all the stuff that you have left
Get the hell out of here and don’t come back or I’ll take off your head

But it was not your booze but mine
Oh yes, you stepped quite out of line
You’re really moving out this time
Don’t you touch my beer
Don’t you touch my beer

Tremble for yourself, my man,
You know that I have caught you steal before
Tremble, little lying man,
I’ll be changing the lock upon my door
Your face isn’t wanted in this place,
Your stupid mess has made this home a wreck
Now leave from this house or else spend your days worrying for your neck

But it was not your booze but mine
Oh yes, you stepped quite out of line
You’re really moving out this time
Don’t you touch my beer

But it was not your booze but mine
Oh yes, you stepped quite out of line
You’re really moving out this time
Don’t you touch my beer
Don’t you touch my beer

[harmonizing]

But it was not your booze but mine
Oh yes, you stepped quite out of line
You’re really moving out this time
Don’t you touch my beer

But it was not your booze but mine
Oh yes, you stepped quite out of line
You’re really moving out this time
Don’t you touch my beer
Don’t you touch my beer

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Poetry Corner 4

why do you cry like you have not a choice
why are you sad like you’re trying to go fix it
digging so deep like you want your own grave
lay in it, sleep, like I’m forcing you to do it
I don’t know what you’re doing
I don’t know what you’re doing

why is your sky oh so gloomy, my sweet?
pain clouds the sun like you need it to be dark now
was it so bright that it’s too much to bear?
darken the light like you think this will be better
I don’t know what you’re thinking
I don’t know what you’re thinking

why do you cry like you had not a choice
why do you hurt like I gave no chance to fix it
out of your mind you don’t know how to deal
why don’t you find an excuse, it’s what you do now…
you don’t know what you’ve done, dear
you don’t know what you’ve done, dear

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Real Things I've Said to Guys

If I had to choose between you and a miniature lap giraffe, I would consider you for a good couple of hours before going with the miniature lap giraffe.

I love your face so much I want to peel it off and wear it as my own.

If you had a van full of candy, I would not hesitate to get in.

You are what magic smells like.

You are more precious to me than the ring was to Gollum.

If you died, I would consider necrophilia.

I think you would taste good, like pineapples and sunshine and despair.

Out all the people I stalk, you are by far the 9th most interesting.

Sometimes I sneak into your house to sniff your pillow.

You look like you are in psychological state of content when you enter Morpheus's realm.

And so Zeus said onto Michelangelo "Ye shall take that marble yonder, the marble of the Gods, and ye shall mold us something spiffy." And so it was that your face came to be.

You look like you would be ok at angry sex.

I think we need to run away together to sing songs and grow oranges and be merry.

I have a voodoo doll of you. I lick its face every Tuesday.

I think of you when I touch my hair.

I wanna be your baby's momma.

Would you like to hear the names I picked out for our children?

I love you like a necrophiliac loves an open casket.

I feel comfortable committing murder for you.

You must be stage 3 syphilis, 'cause I can't get you out of my head.

Everytime you smile, God revives a kitten he killed everytime someone masturbated.

When we're apart, I miss you more than a stormtrooper misses his target.

One of my favourite hobbies is taking pictures of you with my phone when you're not looking and then photoshoping out all of your many, many flaws so you can be just as pretty on the outside.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Short Short-Story 2: Confessions of a Crazy Cat Lady


Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow.