Monday, December 20, 2010

Communism and Other Reasons to Hate Santa

Here are my top ten reasons to hate Santa (I'm sure you can think of more):

10. He’s judgmental. Why should he decide who is naughty or nice? Or, indeed, what should constitute as being ‘naughty’ and being ‘nice’? Who does he think he is?

9. Worker exploitation. Those poor little elves get no health benefits, no paid vacation, nothing!

8. He’s a stalker.


7. He leads decent women to sin. How many kids have spotted their mommy kissing Santa Claus? It is not right to treat another man's wife as your personal “hoe hoe hoe.”

6. Animal Cruelty. How would you like to be forced to fly around the whole bloody world?

5. He is just plain creepy. I don't want to say he's a pedophile, but it's not right asking little kids to sit on your lap and then say stuff like “Have you been a naughty girl?” He even keeps a “list” of all our children. Personally, I find that all sorts of sinister.

4. His name is just one letter placement away from Satan. Coincidence? Well, yes, probably, but I still feel that it should be noted.

3. He’s a drug dealer. I mean, how else would he get the capital? If you think milk and cookies go far in this economy, think again! And he no doubt uses those drugs himself.

"Santa goes around the world in one night without stopping? Meth is Santa's Little Helper." - @Paxochka

2. Breaking and entering. In a civilized society, that’s considered a crime.

1. He’s a communist. The red suit, the red sack, the favouring of Rudolf because he has a red nose. And no matter how much or how little an elf works they all get an equal wage.


So Merry Christmas to you too, but know that we’re on to you, Komrade Kringle.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Song 4: I Kissed a Prof

(To the tune of I Kissed a Girl)

Your office was not what I planned
Lost my direction
I got so brave, books in hand
Screw all discretion
It's not what, I'm used to
Just wanna try you on
Hope it does not come to
The dean’s attention

I kissed a prof and I liked it
The feel of his soft tweed jacket
I kissed a prof just to try it
I hope that the dean don't mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Hope I’m not expelled tonight
I kissed a prof and I liked it
I liked it

No, I’m not even in your class
It doesn't matter
Not doing this just for a pass
Just student nature
It's not what, good girls do
Not how they should behave
Uni rules get me so confused
Hard to obey

I kissed a prof and I liked it
The feel of his soft tweed jacket
I kissed a prof just to try it
I hope that the dean don't mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Hope I’m not expelled tonight
I kissed a prof and I liked it
I liked it

Those profs they are so knowledgeable
So smart, dorky, so kissable
Elbow patches so touchable
Too good to deny it
Ain't no big deal, it's innocent

I kissed a prof and I liked it
The feel of his soft tweed jacket
I kissed a prof just to try it
I hope that the dean don't mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Hope I’m not expelled tonight
I kissed a prof and I liked it
I liked it

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Paranoia: A Tale in Pictures

2:12pm - Watching TV. Don't worry, it's not Glee.
2:13pm - Wait...

2:13pm - Oh no...

2:13pm - Oh, HELL no...!

2:14pm

2:15pm

2:16pm

2:18pm

2:19pm - I think foil really brings out my eyes.

2:20pm - Better hide under my safety table.

2:23pm

2:29pm

2:30pm

2:35pm - Still not feeling very safe.

2:35pm - Hmm...

2:36pm - I know...

2:36pm - ...Jesus will save me!

2:37pm - Don't hurt me, I have Jesus!

2:38pm

2:38pm - Bored now.

2:44pm - Sigh.

2:57pm - I dreamt of girabbits.

3:06pm - I was either hoping to find a watch there, or 
I am really fascinated with my wrist.

3:07pm - Blah.

3:09pm

3:10pm - Where ARE they?

3:10pm

3:10pm

3:11pm

3:11pm

3:11pm - Missed.

3:12pm - Back to TV. Still not watching Glee.


I wish I hadn't crumpled up the hat. I had to make another one the next day.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Song 3: Little Rocket Launcher

Dedicated to HindSight5050

(To the tune of Pocket Full of Sunshine)

I got a little, got a little rocket launcher.
Don’t piss me off or I will launch stuff at ya. Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Do what you want, but you're never gonna break me.
Rocket launcher will always protect me. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Rocket launcher, for any day.
Your enemies, them it will slay.
Rocket launcher, for any place.
Rocket launcher, you I embrace.

I got a little, got a little rocket launcher.
Don’t piss me off or I will launch stuff at ya. Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Do what you want, but you're never gonna break me.
Rocket launcher will always protect me. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

I got a little, got a little rocket launcher.
Don’t piss me off or I will launch stuff at ya. Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Wish that you could, but cha ain't gonna own me.
With rockets launched no one can control me. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Rocket launcher, for any day.
Your enemies, them it will slay.
Rocket launcher, for any place.
Rocket launcher, you I embrace.

And wherever I go now everyone knows,
That I am a pro, at launching rockets.
And there’s no more lies; because if I find out,
Then everyone cries, when my cool rocket flies.

Rocket launcher, for any day.
Your enemies, them it will slay.
Rocket launcher, for any place.
Rocket launcher, you I embrace.

Rocket launcher, for any day.
Your enemies, them it will slay.
Rocket launcher, for any place.
Rocket launcher, you I embrace.

Rocket launcher, for any day.
Your enemies, them it will slay.
Rocket launcher, for any place.
Rocket launcher, you I embrace.

With rockets on my side.
Nowhere you can hide
I smile at my launcher.
I know I'll be all right.

With rockets on my side.
Nowhere you can hide
I smile at my launcher.
I know I'll be all right.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Song 2: Favourite Things

Wilting black roses and strangling kittens
Bright copper weapons and dirty ol' mittens
Evil debauchery tied up with sins
These are a few of my favourite things

Torturing ponies and killing off poodles
Feeding kids bitter and poisonous noodles
Wild geese attempting flight with broken wings
These are a few of my favourite things

Girls in torn dresses with deep bloody gashes
Fire that burns off my nose and eyelashes
Acidic substance that melts into skins
These are a few of my favourite things

When I get caught
Cheating on you
When I'm feeling sad
I simply steal some of my favourite things
And then I don't feel so bad

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Follow me on Twitter, stalk me in real life.


Lately, I've been feeling that spending 10.3 hours online everyday is just not enough - it's still borderline healthy. So I decided to add Twitter to my list of important cyber activities. http://twitter.com/the_anastasia Come watch me try to be witty in 140 characters or less. ("Just a sec, I have to go harvest my crops in Farmville.” is just not something that should ever be uttered during sex., Everyday should be Canada Day., etc.)

Speaking of Canada Day, it's Canada Day! Happy Canada Day! I think the Arrogant Worms say it best: "We won't say that we're better, it's just that we're less worse."

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Salad Fingers

This is the sweetest, most delightful cartoon to ever grace my screen. They have 8 short episodes so far and I am very patiently waiting for the next installment. I encourage everyone to check it out:

http://www.fat-pie.com/salad.htm

Some of its finer moments:

“I’d like to elect you as my new playmate.”
After eating sand: “...the floor sugar does taste rather queer in this area.”
“Today, I’m going to try and find France.”
“Oh! How I’ve dreamt of taps...”
“Lock up your daughters tonight, General, there’ll be trouble in the maidens’ quarters.”
“...do you not like my mouth words?”
“I hope you like sand.”
Upon pricking a finger: “I like it when the red water comes out.”

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Post Graduation Plans

These are listed in order from the most likely to the least likely.

1. Become a Criminal Mastermind.
2. Write a New York Times Best Seller.
3. Marry Adrien Brody.



4. Live in my parents’ basement and become the greatest WoW player the world has ever seen.
5. Get a sex change in order to join the Freemasonry.
6. World Domination.
7. Alchemy. (The art of turning something shiny into something even shinier.)
8. Grad school.
9. Fulfill my childhood dream of becoming a giraffe farmer when I grow up.
10. Work at a respectable job like some sort of normal person.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Customer Satisfaction

After providing a “service” to others wouldn’t it be nice to have a formal way of knowing how you did your job?* Where you went wrong, and where you can improve? Well now you do! Just ask the serviced party to fill out the survey below. Don’t hesitate to fill out a survey for them in return; they’ll thank you for it!

After receiving your survey back it is expected that you will use the results to self-improve, especially if the serviced party plans a return visit unless a) the serviced party is much worse at this than you are and clearly don’t know what they are talking about or b) you don’t really feel like it.

Customer Satisfaction Survey**

Page 1 (click image to enlarge):



Page 2:



*Yes it would.
**Customarily meant for two or more participants. Can still be used if there was only one, but please note that rating yourself is kind of sad.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Things I wish I invented first.

21. The Wheel
20. Tinfoil
19. Beer
18. Bubblewrap
17. Harry Potter
16. Clocks
15. Facebook
14. The Interrobang
13. Floss
12. Calculus
11. Mirrors
10. Blogging
9. Religion
8. The Violin
7. New Zealanders
6. Quantum Mechanics
5. Duct Tape
4. Chess
3. Spellcheck
2. Giraffes
1. This Knife Holder:

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Does Size Matter?

I have been debating this for a while now. I feel that the smaller ones are easier to grip in your hand and move back an forth, however, the bigger ones seem more satisfying to mate with. At the end of the day though, as long as I win I don't think it really matters what size the chess pieces are. How about you, fellow chess players? Do you have a preference for size?

Monday, March 22, 2010

Art 2: Ship


Date: 2004
Medium: pencil crayons
Size: 8.25 x 5

I like this one...possibly because I like pictures of ships. Not the ships themselves, mind you, just pictures of them. I copied this from a pic I got of the Internet. The only thing I changed was the flag from whichever boring country it was to a pirates' flag.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Song 1: Julie doesn't know.

Julie doesn't know.
(To the tune of Scotty Doesn't Know.)

In memory of Gaius Julius Cæsar.

Hey!!!

Julie doesn’t know that Brutus and co
Conspire against him every Sunday.
Say they’re in bath houses,
But they just don’t go,
Still they’re out plotting and…

Julie doesn’t know, oh,
Julie doesn't know-oh.
So don't tell Julie,
Julie doesn't know,
Julie doesn't know.
SO DON'T TELL JULIE!

They say they’re in the forum, shopping,
But they’re scheming hard and they’re not stopping.

Cause Julie doesn’t know,
Julie doesn't know,
Julie doesn't know,
Julie doesn't know,
So don't tell Julie,
Julie doesn't knooooow...
DON'T TELL JULIE!

I can’t believe he’s so trusting,
Their daggers they’ll pull out, thrusting.
Killing him while he’s alone,
Stifling out any last moan,
It’s a mutiny and he knows nothing,
NOTHING!

Julie doesn't know,
Julie doesn't know,
Julie doesn't know,
Don't tell Julie,
Cause Julie doesn't know,
Julie doesn't knooooow...
SO DON'T TELL JULIE!

‘Twill be a bloody show,
The senators stoop low,
Julie doesn't know,
Julie doesn't know,
Julie doesn't know….

The, portico, why not?
Never even reached the top…
The theatre, what a blow,
Stabbing so hard, oh
Julie doesn't know,
Julie doesn't know!

Betrayed on the Ides of March.

Julie doesn't know,
Julie doesn't know,
Julie doesn't know,
Julie doesn't know,
Don't tell Julie.
Julie doesn't knooooow....

Julie will know,
Julie has to know,
Julie's gotta know,
Gonna tell Julie,
Gonna tell him myself.

Julie has to know,
Julie has to know,
Julie has to,
Julie has to,
Julie has to go!

Julie doesn't know,
(Don't tell Julie)
Julie doesn't know,
(Don't tell Julie)
Julie doesn't know...
Julie's gotta go!

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Art 1: Budgie


Date: January 2003
Medium: Pencil
Size ~ 12 x 18

Found some old drawings of mine and realized that I wasn't completely terrible so I decided to try my hand at drawing people. Bought a "how to" book yesterday. We'll see how that goes...


I'll be posting some more of my art later. Some of it good, some of it bad, some of it I-wish-I-could-spork-my-own-eyes-out terrible.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Anastasia, A Day in the Life of

Tuesday, February 9, 2010:
6:57am – alarm rings, hit snooze
7:01 – hit snooze
7:05 – hit snooze
7:09 – annoyed, turned off alarm all together
8:22 – got up
8:24 – shower
8:29 – got creeped out by rubber duck staring at me
8:50 – got out, got dressed & did my hair
9:09 – food
9:18 – tea!
9:22 – checked facebook “for five minutes”
10:31 – logged out of facebook
10:32 – started studying for midterm on Friday
10:33 – got bored of studying
10:34 – argued on the internet
11:22 – brushed teeth
11:24 – eyeliner and mascara
11:26 – rushed to bus stop
11:28 – commuted to uni
12:03pm – got there early, chatted with friends and classmates outside of class
12:30 – class
1:50 – to the bus stop, away!
1:59 – commuted home
2:40 – food
2:50 – tea!
2:55 – cyber stalked
3:48 – tried studying again
4:08 – got bored again
4:09 – watched AMV Hell on youtube (it’s like porn, but better)
4:52 – drew a girabbit (cute!)
5:00 – went back to the internet argument from this morning (I can’t let them win, this is IMPORTANT)
6:16 – played some online chess
6:33 – attempt at studying #3
6:43 – distracted by something shiny “Shiiiiiiiinnnyyyyyyy”
7:02 – “Oh right, I’m suppose to be studying”
7:07 – “that’s good enough for today”
7:08 – admired the shiny object some more
7:11 – decided to polish it with Windex
7:13 – tasted some Windex
7:15 – food
7:21 – You know it…tea!!
7:25 – wrote in my diary
7:36 – another “quick” check of facebook
8:21 – logged out of facebook
8:22 – checked blogs (mine and ones I follow)
8:30 – stared into empty space
8:38 – complained to a friend about never having enough time to do anything
8:43 – more tea
8:49 – watched a movie (chick flick, eugh)
10:39 – brushed teeth
10:43 – prayed and read the Bible…just kidding
10:43 – fantasized about Adrien Brody
11:57 – went to sleep
12:20am – got up to pee
12:22 – went back to sleep

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Suggest a Book (Warning: Contains OED & Bible spoilers)

For the past few month I have been immersed in the most fantastic of books - The Oxford English Dictionary. I was up to "d", everything was going well, I was quite happy to just sit and read peacefully to myself until SOMEONE had to go and spoil the ending for me (zythum, apparently). Naturally, knowing the ending made me immediately lose all interest in reading it. This is worse then the time I was told Jesus dies before I got a chance to finish the Bible. God are some people inconsiderate...!

Anyway, I need a new book to read - suggestions?

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

I blog, therefor I am.

I know everyone is dying to know what goes on in that head of mine so I decided to bless you all with a blog. I shall be posting excerpts from my diary, some of my facebook notes, and other completely pointless stuff. You don't wanna miss it!


FAQ

Why do you have an FAQ for a blog? That's stupid.
Yes it is.