Monday, December 20, 2010

Communism and Other Reasons to Hate Santa

Here are my top ten reasons to hate Santa (I'm sure you can think of more):

10. He’s judgmental. Why should he decide who is naughty or nice? Or, indeed, what should constitute as being ‘naughty’ and being ‘nice’? Who does he think he is?

9. Worker exploitation. Those poor little elves get no health benefits, no paid vacation, nothing!

8. He’s a stalker.

7. He leads decent women to sin. How many kids have spotted their mommy kissing Santa Claus? It is not right to treat another man's wife as your personal “hoe hoe hoe.”

6. Animal Cruelty. How would you like to be forced to fly around the whole bloody world?

5. He is just plain creepy. I don't want to say he's a pedophile, but it's not right asking little kids to sit on your lap and then say stuff like “Have you been a naughty girl?” He even keeps a “list” of all our children. Personally, I find that all sorts of sinister.

4. His name is just one letter placement away from Satan. Coincidence? Well, yes, probably, but I still feel that it should be noted.

3. He’s a drug dealer. I mean, how else would he get the capital? If you think milk and cookies go far in this economy, think again! And he no doubt uses those drugs himself.

"Santa goes around the world in one night without stopping? Meth is Santa's Little Helper." - @Paxochka

2. Breaking and entering. In a civilized society, that’s considered a crime.

1. He’s a communist. The red suit, the red sack, the favouring of Rudolf because he has a red nose. And no matter how much or how little an elf works they all get an equal wage.

So Merry Christmas to you too, but know that we’re on to you, Komrade Kringle.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Slacktivism, FTW!

My friend had this status on facebook last week:
Breaking news: Child Abuse Cured by Facebook Cartoon Pictures.
It made laugh. But not as much as the replies. "It will make people feel better. That counts for something." "What's wrong with making yourself feel better?"

Since when did it turn from 'stopping child abuse' to 'making yourself feel better about child abuse'?

"It's the best some people can do."

Really? I doubt it. Maybe for some people it is, maybe others actually do donate time and money in addition to changing their profile pic but I am going to venture a guess that most do not. Most people could be doing a lot more.

When people hear about an issue such as abuse, starving children, cancer, etc. The think "oh noes, that's so terrible, so sad!" They rush to the Interwebz to change their picture or status then forget about it and go back to their Wii games and their steak dinners. The Interwebz are great that way, with a simple change of you fb status to the colour of your bra, or a well written, morally outraged forum post you can truly feel like you've made a difference in the world. You can put a checkmark in your morality column for the day and go on your merry way, not giving the issue a second thought.

People who really do their best are the exception, not the rule. But hey, now that I made this blog post I can feel better about knowing that, and so can you!

"It gets the message out there."

Possibly, but without putting in any other effort those messages mutate from 'there is an issue' to 'look at me, I'm such a moral person, I care about this issue.'

I leave you with the wisdom of twitter: "Changing your avatar to a cartoon to prevent child abuse is like changing your avatar to a treadmill to prevent obesity." - @ruthakers

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Song 4: I Kissed a Prof

(To the tune of I Kissed a Girl)

Your office was not what I planned
Lost my direction
I got so brave, books in hand
Screw all discretion
It's not what, I'm used to
Just wanna try you on
Hope it does not come to
The dean’s attention

I kissed a prof and I liked it
The feel of his soft tweed jacket
I kissed a prof just to try it
I hope that the dean don't mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Hope I’m not expelled tonight
I kissed a prof and I liked it
I liked it

No, I’m not even in your class
It doesn't matter
Not doing this just for a pass
Just student nature
It's not what, good girls do
Not how they should behave
Uni rules get me so confused
Hard to obey

I kissed a prof and I liked it
The feel of his soft tweed jacket
I kissed a prof just to try it
I hope that the dean don't mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Hope I’m not expelled tonight
I kissed a prof and I liked it
I liked it

Those profs they are so knowledgeable
So smart, dorky, so kissable
Elbow patches so touchable
Too good to deny it
Ain't no big deal, it's innocent

I kissed a prof and I liked it
The feel of his soft tweed jacket
I kissed a prof just to try it
I hope that the dean don't mind it
It felt so wrong
It felt so right
Hope I’m not expelled tonight
I kissed a prof and I liked it
I liked it

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Paranoia: A Tale in Pictures

2:12pm - Watching TV. Don't worry, it's not Glee.
2:13pm - Wait...

2:13pm - Oh no...

2:13pm - Oh, HELL no...!





2:19pm - I think foil really brings out my eyes.

2:20pm - Better hide under my safety table.




2:35pm - Still not feeling very safe.

2:35pm - Hmm...

2:36pm - I know...

2:36pm - ...Jesus will save me!

2:37pm - Don't hurt me, I have Jesus!


2:38pm - Bored now.

2:44pm - Sigh.

2:57pm - I dreamt of girabbits.

3:06pm - I was either hoping to find a watch there, or 
I am really fascinated with my wrist.

3:07pm - Blah.


3:10pm - Where ARE they?





3:11pm - Missed.

3:12pm - Back to TV. Still not watching Glee.

I wish I hadn't crumpled up the hat. I had to make another one the next day.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Song 3: Little Rocket Launcher

Dedicated to HindSight5050

(To the tune of Pocket Full of Sunshine)

I got a little, got a little rocket launcher.
Don’t piss me off or I will launch stuff at ya. Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Do what you want, but you're never gonna break me.
Rocket launcher will always protect me. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Rocket launcher, for any day.
Your enemies, them it will slay.
Rocket launcher, for any place.
Rocket launcher, you I embrace.

I got a little, got a little rocket launcher.
Don’t piss me off or I will launch stuff at ya. Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Do what you want, but you're never gonna break me.
Rocket launcher will always protect me. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

I got a little, got a little rocket launcher.
Don’t piss me off or I will launch stuff at ya. Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Wish that you could, but cha ain't gonna own me.
With rockets launched no one can control me. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Rocket launcher, for any day.
Your enemies, them it will slay.
Rocket launcher, for any place.
Rocket launcher, you I embrace.

And wherever I go now everyone knows,
That I am a pro, at launching rockets.
And there’s no more lies; because if I find out,
Then everyone cries, when my cool rocket flies.

Rocket launcher, for any day.
Your enemies, them it will slay.
Rocket launcher, for any place.
Rocket launcher, you I embrace.

Rocket launcher, for any day.
Your enemies, them it will slay.
Rocket launcher, for any place.
Rocket launcher, you I embrace.

Rocket launcher, for any day.
Your enemies, them it will slay.
Rocket launcher, for any place.
Rocket launcher, you I embrace.

With rockets on my side.
Nowhere you can hide
I smile at my launcher.
I know I'll be all right.

With rockets on my side.
Nowhere you can hide
I smile at my launcher.
I know I'll be all right.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Ana's University* Survival Guide

*Or college for you Americans.

I've been at University for four years now, and I've learned a few things. I think it is only fair that I pass on my wisdom to you who may be less knowledgeable in the ways of higher education. Below, I have compiled a list of some must-know hints and tips. You're welcome.

1. A lecture is a great time to take care of all your facebooking and twitter needs.

2. To avoid a student traffic jam at the end of class, make sure you start packing up at least 5 minutes early. If you have another class to get to after, it is best to err on the side of caution and make it 10 minutes.

3. To save time on studying, ask whether anything you learned is going to be on the final. You never know when a prof is just teaching for his own personal amusement or when he assigns a reading just for sh*ts and giggles. Make sure you ask this about every single piece of material.

4. If you miss a class, the only proper way to formulate a question about what you missed is "Did I miss anything (important)?"

5. Reading the syllabus is for pussies.

6. Make sure you are polite in your emails and include a greeting.

Wrong way to email:

im going on this super important vacation with my parents at end of summer is it ok if I miss the first 9 weeks of class?

Right way to email:

yo sup,

im going on this super important vacation with my parents at end of summer is it ok if I miss the first 9 weeks of class?

(Note: Proper grammar and spelling will only make you look pretentious.)

7. Little known fact: Staring at the clock during lectures will make the time go by  faster.

8. Make it a habit to skip at least a few classes every semester so people know you have a life outside of school. This will make you look important.

9. Any non-academic compliment given by a professor to a student, no matter how harmless it may seem, is a sign of harassment. Do not be fooled; report to the proper authorities post-haste.

10. Plagiarism is not only an effective, but also a fun way to get things done.

11. Grades, and this is perhaps the most important point to remember, are negotiable. I wrote a poem for all your negotiating needs (with thanks to Carpet Monkey for inspiring the format):

I see I got…. caught cheating / a fail / an unfair grade
I thought…. it was ok / I would pass / I had it made
I need to…. get into law / impress parents / graduate
I think you’re…. understanding / out to get me / super great
So won’t you…. look past it / help me / round up
I’ll give you…. cookies / a good eval / a coffee cup
I will be…. gratefully / happy / stopping the threats
I don’t want to…. fail / spill tears / give you regrets
I’d hate to…. retake it / argue / talk to the dean
Don’t make me…. cry / blackmail / tell him you’re mean
Please know I…. didn’t mean it / am sorry / only get A’s
I always…. mean well / get revenge / get praise
So just…. pass me / look the other way / acquit
Because I…. tried hard / studied / paid for it
I want us to…. be friends / hook up / part well
But if I must I’ll…. fight you / beg / raise hell

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Of Mean Profs and University-Appropriate Attire

Dear in-charge-type people at the University of Alberta,

I am writing in regards to Dr.A. I had the great displeasure of being in Dr.A’s math class last term. He has been rude, sorely unhelpful, and overall not nice person. He grades his tests unfairly, marking on what he thinks we should know instead of on what we actually know. He also took of marks for spelling and grammar mistakes. This is a math class! If I wanted to be tested on English, I would take an English class, not a math class. I don’t know who he thinks he is, expecting university students to have a basic grasp of English in a math class. His bad marking was further demonstrable when he took of marks on my exam when I forgot to put my name on it. Nowhere in the syllabus does it say we have to put our names on our exams.

Before our final I had an important question so I called him to ask it and he got mad at me. What kind of lame person goes to sleep at 11:30pm? I mean, it wasn't even midnight yet. I would have emailed him but sometimes he can take hours to email back. And don’t even get me started on trying to get a hold of him in his office. He is only there at times that are convenient for him. No, Dr.A, I cannot come either on Thursday between 1-3pm or on Friday after 2pm. My friend Linda has a hair appointment on Thursday and asked me to go with her. As for Friday, I just don’t feel like it.

This one time, he sorely embarrassed me in front of the whole class by putting me on the spot. He asked me a question, I don’t know what it was because I was checking Facebook on my iPhone so I couldn't answer him. He totally freaked out that I couldn't answer. How does he expect me to answer when I didn't even hear the question in the first place?

This another time, I asked for an extension for an assignment on the day it was due. My boyfriend had just broken up with me a month ago and I just couldn't do math in such an emotional state. But a little understanding was apparently too much to ask of Dr.A when he gave me a 0 on the assignment. For my final mark, he gave me a C-. I asked if he could round this up to an A. I deserve a better grade because I know I’m smart and I tried very hard and I need it to get into grad school. Also, I’m paying for uni which makes me a consumer and in this case, not a happy one. Dr.A refused, saying that even the C- was generous. I called him a jerk. I then asked for a reference letter. He said no.

So in summary, I would like you to take the appropriate actions against Dr.A and inform him that professors need to see us as people who have our own lives and who can’t always put their homework first. Profs should also be at our constant beck and call whenever we need help. In addition, they should be able to provide us with extensions, good grades, free tutoring, reference letters, and a pony.

Anastasia Kazakevich
Distraught Student

P.S. After Linda got a haircut Dr.A said, and I quote, “nice haircut.” I suggested she file a sexual harassment suit at once, which she is currently looking in to.

My University Summer Attire:

My University Winter Attire:

(The key to making both ensembles work are the glasses; they make me look like a smart, serious student.)

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

AGT: America’s Got Tragedy

I love America’s Got Tragic back-stories Talent. Basically, it is a show where people from all over the country gather to display their various tragic pasts talents. The judges decide whether a contestant is tragic talented enough to be put through. After that, America votes for their favourite contestant, deciding who has the most tragic upbringing talent. The winner gets a million dollars and a show in Vegas.

My singer friend Lily wants to audition next year. It has been her dream to win ever since she saw this show on Tuesday. She deserves to win because she has had a hard life. She ran away from home at age 11 month. This was especially hard for her because she couldn’t run very well yet. She lived in the forest until she was 16 with a couple of bears who she befriended with her singing. She then met a homeless guy named One-Eyed Ben and fell in love because he seemed nice. Lily learned a hard lesson though when One-Eyed Ben turned out not to be nice. He forced her to work, washing his one pair of dirty socks and polishing his glass eye during the day, and then raped her during the night. She ran away from him too, but not before he could impregnate her. Nine month later she gave birth to octuplets.

She is now 18 and lives near a local dump, where her kids frolic through the garbage with the rodents. The rodents serve as both delightful pets and delicious dinner. Even though Lily works 17 full-time jobs she is unable to afford food because she has to pay hospital bills. Lily has a rare disease that makes people lose their voice and die at age 20. However, this did not deter Lily. After seeing the show she willed her voice to come back and now sings beautifully even though the doctors told her she’ll never sing again.

Just before going on the show Lily will find out that the forest she lived in was cut down to build an IKEA and her bear friends killed. Even though this breaks her heart she still goes on with the show because she is a fighter. If she wins, she will hire lawyers with the prize money to sue the IKEA people. Because she is a good, forgiving person she will also buy One-Eyed Ben a high-tech, custom-made, self-polishing glass eye. If she has any money left after that she will establish a future for her eight children so they can be ok when she dies at 20 and she will also end world hunger while she's at it. She will be an inspiration to all who share this rare disease and they will send her letters printed on pastel-coloured paper telling her how wonderful she is.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Prank Call, The

Some people may not know this, but besides texting, taking pics, listening to music, checking facebook/twitter/email, a phone may also be used as a talking device. And with that comes the prank calls. This one is particularly splendid: The murder scene call.

Here is one you can try yourself with a few friends:

Day 1
Pranker: Hi, can I speak to Harold please?
Victim: Uh, I think you have the wrong number.
Pranker: Ok, sorry.

Day 2
Pranker: Hi, is Harold there?
Victim: No, Harold doesn't live here.
Pranker: Oh sorry.

Day 3
Pranker: Hi, is Harold available?
Victim: I already told you, he doesn't live here.
Pranker: Are you sure?
Victim: Yes. Please stop calling.

Day 4
Pranker: Hey, I know Harold doesn't live there but could I leave him a message?
Victim: ......

Pranker 2: Hi, I heard this is where I can leave messages for Harold...
Victim: wtf?

Pranker 3: Hi I'm just calling with a message for Harold.
Victim: Screw you.

Day 7
Pranker 4: Hi I'm Harold, did anyone leave me any messages?

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Song 2: Favourite Things

Wilting black roses and strangling kittens
Bright copper weapons and dirty ol' mittens
Evil debauchery tied up with sins
These are a few of my favourite things

Torturing ponies and killing off poodles
Feeding kids bitter and poisonous noodles
Wild geese attempting flight with broken wings
These are a few of my favourite things

Girls in torn dresses with deep bloody gashes
Fire that burns off my nose and eyelashes
Acidic substance that melts into skins
These are a few of my favourite things

When I get caught
Cheating on you
When I'm feeling sad
I simply steal some of my favourite things
And then I don't feel so bad

Monday, July 19, 2010

The Problem of Problem Solving

For the past 6 months I have been observing people in their natural environment, the Internet, to study how they respond to and resolve various problems that arise in their community. After crunching the numbers of my scientific findings using scientific methods I have come to the scientific conclusion that most people choose between two courses of action:

Choice A:
  1. Complain about it.
  2. Complain that no one is doing anything about it.
  3. Complain that there are too many people complaining.
  4. Contemplate doing something about it.
  5. Procrastinate.
  6. Actually do something about it.
99% of people never get past stage 3.
99.6% of people never get past stage 5.

Choice B:
  1. Ignore it.

Monday, July 12, 2010


Facebook keeps suggesting I “reconnect” with one of my friends. It’s always the same friend (is fb trying to hint at something?) and it’s always the same boring suggestions: “Say hello. Write on his wall. Share the latest news. Etc.” It made me realize how boring and sometimes downright unrealistic facebook can be with its limited suggestions and categories. So I thought up of a few things that can make it better. Let’s start with the whole reconnecting thing. Things I feel need to be added:

Cyberstalk her.

Creep his wall.

Make inappropriate comments on her pictures.

Send him a private message lined with subtle innuendos and see if he catches on.

Meet up in person and actually talk face-to-face...just kidding, write on his wall.

In the “Interested In” section there is Women and Men. Not only is this speciest, but let’s face it – it’s prejudice against intersexuals. Where is their category? Where is the justice? (The same problem exists where fb asks you to define your sex.) Things I feel need to be added:




People with a three digit IQ.

Things I feel need to be added to Relationship Status:

Being suffocated by _________

Constantly fantasizing about _________

Started dating ______ but am waiting for her to change the relationship status first so I don’t seem needy.

Things I feel need to be added to “Looking for”:


Twitter followers.

Acquaintances I can borrow money from.

The Holy Grail (Thanks to Leah for this one).

FarmVille neighbors.

Random people I want to add just to make my friends list look bigger.

I think we all know people who are looking for the last category…you know the ones I’m talking about, those people who have over 1000 “friends” with the list growing everyday. The people who always have “Fred McFriendly just became friends with Another Random” as their latest activity no matter what time of the day you click on their profile. I will never understand why someone would add people they never spoke to in real life so they can never speak to them online. If one medium of not-speaking is not enough, why stop there? Why not send this person an email with nothing, leave an empty message on their answering machine, send a blank piece of paper through snail mail?

This is also one of the things about fb privacy settings that bugs me…one of many things (fb privacy settings have been going downhill ever since they announced that all our content are belong to them). Things I feel should be added to who can “send me a friend request”:

No one

Finally, I feel that the “People You May Know” section should be renamed “A collection of random people, some of which you happen to have a friend or two in common with, and only about 5% - at best - of whom you may actually know.”

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Follow me on Twitter, stalk me in real life.

Lately, I've been feeling that spending 10.3 hours online everyday is just not enough - it's still borderline healthy. So I decided to add Twitter to my list of important cyber activities. Come watch me try to be witty in 140 characters or less. ("Just a sec, I have to go harvest my crops in Farmville.” is just not something that should ever be uttered during sex., Everyday should be Canada Day., etc.)

Speaking of Canada Day, it's Canada Day! Happy Canada Day! I think the Arrogant Worms say it best: "We won't say that we're better, it's just that we're less worse."

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Misrepresentation Continuum, The

Done for my Soc212 class. In a reading on bullshit (it was a good class) the author wondered what a lying continuum would look like. I took the liberty of making one:

(Click image to enlarge.)

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Poetry Corner 2

Uncanny Valley

Something does not quite fit
Something’s off by just a bit
An imitation of care
With a cold and empty stare
Something does not belong
Sinister and wrong
Something really odd
That mocks the work of God
Something not quite whole
Born without a soul

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Salad Fingers

This is the sweetest, most delightful cartoon to ever grace my screen. They have 8 short episodes so far and I am very patiently waiting for the next installment. I encourage everyone to check it out:

Some of its finer moments:

“I’d like to elect you as my new playmate.”
After eating sand: “...the floor sugar does taste rather queer in this area.”
“Today, I’m going to try and find France.”
“Oh! How I’ve dreamt of taps...”
“Lock up your daughters tonight, General, there’ll be trouble in the maidens’ quarters.”
“ you not like my mouth words?”
“I hope you like sand.”
Upon pricking a finger: “I like it when the red water comes out.”

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Post Graduation Plans

These are listed in order from the most likely to the least likely.

1. Become a Criminal Mastermind.
2. Write a New York Times Best Seller.
3. Marry Adrien Brody.

4. Live in my parents’ basement and become the greatest WoW player the world has ever seen.
5. Get a sex change in order to join the Freemasonry.
6. World Domination.
7. Alchemy. (The art of turning something shiny into something even shinier.)
8. Grad school.
9. Fulfill my childhood dream of becoming a giraffe farmer when I grow up.
10. Work at a respectable job like some sort of normal person.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Customer Satisfaction

After providing a “service” to others wouldn’t it be nice to have a formal way of knowing how you did your job?* Where you went wrong, and where you can improve? Well now you do! Just ask the serviced party to fill out the survey below. Don’t hesitate to fill out a survey for them in return; they’ll thank you for it!

After receiving your survey back it is expected that you will use the results to self-improve, especially if the serviced party plans a return visit unless a) the serviced party is much worse at this than you are and clearly don’t know what they are talking about or b) you don’t really feel like it.

Customer Satisfaction Survey**

Page 1 (click image to enlarge):

Page 2:

*Yes it would.
**Customarily meant for two or more participants. Can still be used if there was only one, but please note that rating yourself is kind of sad.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Things I wish I invented first.

21. The Wheel
20. Tinfoil
19. Beer
18. Bubblewrap
17. Harry Potter
16. Clocks
15. Facebook
14. The Interrobang
13. Floss
12. Calculus
11. Mirrors
10. Blogging
9. Religion
8. The Violin
7. New Zealanders
6. Quantum Mechanics
5. Duct Tape
4. Chess
3. Spellcheck
2. Giraffes
1. This Knife Holder: